Introducing Teresa Marie

The quick facts:

Teresa Marie

born at 4:35pm
on Tuesday the 22nd of May.

21 and 1/2 inches long

11 pound 9.5 ounces at birth,

but we'll just round up to 11. 10.

She has soft, dark hair and ridiculously long fingernails.  Her eyes are dark, she's already lifting her head to look around, she has a strong cry, and she looks like Bennet did when he was born.

Her name comes from

Mother Teresa,

our Blessed Mother,

and my mom, whose middle name is also Marie. 

The Birth Story:

Part I: Pre Labor
Late Monday morning the kids and I went grocery shopping.  My lower back was killing me and I was hopeful that it meant promising things for labor.  By lunch time I was having contractions.  By 3pm they were becoming more painful and I called Travis to make sure he knew it.  I also called my midwife, doula, and friend/homebirth midwife to give them a head's up that I thought it was the day.

That evening I made dinner, went for a walk with Travis, baked some strawberry lemonade bars, texted my birth team, and went to bed.  At 3am I woke up from a nightmare (Travis and two other men we're friends with were considering remodeling a haunted house for the hexenbiest-looking monsters who lived there.  I and the wives all said NO but Travis really wanted to do it and I was really annoyed with him.) Then I had a horrible contraction. 

A little bit later I woke him up telling him I thought we needed to make some phone calls.  A little after that my doula arrived.  We went upstairs so I could labor in the quiet of my bedroom.  But sitting there on my bedroom floor was too much for me and all I could think of was how I sat on the bedroom floor while they worked on James.  I cried through my next contraction and then moved downstairs.

We were there for no more than 10 minutes when, kneeling on some Chux pads (leftovers from previous homebirths) I threw up, causing my water to break.  Not wanting to be in intense labor when my kids woke up or in the car we headed over to the hospital.

Part II: The Hospital
As soon as we got to our room a woman gave me a hospital gown and told me to "go ahead and take everything off and put that on."  I asked her why.  I guess that was a stupid question - she thought so and sarcastically said, "OKAY..." while rolling not just her eyes but her entire head - but I wasn't about to push out the baby and didn't feel like being practically naked.  I really was confused by why she would tell me to do that. 

Fortunately, our doula was in the hall and overheard the conversation and then spoke to the woman and my nurse.  She told them how I had homebirthed 3 kids and also explained about James.  It was wonderful to not have to explain those things to anyone.

Our nurse was wonderful.  I sat on a birthball fully dressed in my own clothes.  She ignored the peanut butter and crackers I ate around lunch time.  She left me alone for long periods of time.  She bent a lot of rules.  My contractions were strong but they weren't regular and stayed around 10 minutes apart.  This was really discouraging for me, especially since I thought I'd have a baby by noon since my water broke at 6:30.  Because I had slept the night before I felt pretty good.  In between contractions we sat around and joked, chatted, and laughed. 

But then, as dinnertime approached I started to ask for pain medication.  I was starting to feel tired and discouraged and I was worried I wouldn't be able be able to manage the pain and the fear when it was time to push.  By this point I was also saying a lot of "Oh my God"s; "Please, oh my God, please"s; and "Oh shit"s. The "oh my God"s were usually attached to some kind of intention - for the people who comment on my For Pete's Sake posts, other people I had promised to pray for - these were never clear, specific "this contraction is for Katie and her boards" but were vague and hopefully still helpful. The "please, oh my God"s were my way of praying for myself - less pain, a living baby, that it would all be over soon. The "oh shit"s were because it hurt like hell and I felt like an ass for not asking for the epidural many hours before.

My midwife wanted to check my cervix to see if I could have the epidural and she found that there was still water in my bag.  I remember crying out, "Think of all the poor souls in Purgatory!" and everyone laughed except for Travis who knew I meant it.  My midwife then broke my water and held her hand there through the next contraction, causing me to say, "I want you to know that I hate you right now!"  Breaking the water meant that Teresa immediately started moving down and there was no more time for an epidural.

Part III: The Birth
At 4:28pm I called out, "Here she comes."  And then things got really scary for me.  I stopped having the urge to push and without my body telling me when to push I didn't know what to do.  I was able to get her to the crowning point but then we were stuck.  Really, I don't remember everything that happened and the order that it came in.  I remember them saying we needed to get her out and asking me to push.  I know I had to be flipped from being on my hands and knees to being on my side.  I know they kept telling me to get my legs up.  At one point I asked if she was alive.  I know her cord was loosely, half way around her neck and so my midwife reached up and flipped it over T's head.  I know that hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life and I roared in pain.  After that they had me get flat on my back and pull my knees all the way up to my face.  The nurse did a move called the supra pelvic, using her fist to push down on the top of my pelvic bone and Teresa's stuck shoulder.  That also hurt like hell.  After her shoulder was free I pushed her out and I remember the feeling of her being completely out of me.  It was over and I had done it.


Part IV: The APGAR
However the feeling of relief was pretty brief because instead of giving her to me they took her over the the cart to work on her.  I asked if she was alive and they said yes but I didn't trust what I was being told because if she was okay she would have been with me.  Because I was still flat on my back and too exhausted to sit up I couldn't see what was happening, which was this:

Teresa's apgar score at birth was a 2.  Ten is perfect, James was a 0.  Teresa was blue, limp, and not breathing but unlike her big brother she had a heartbeat.  While they were giving her air she gasped a few times and fortunately my mom excitedly commented every time she heard one.  But Travis was silent and that made me worried, too.  Thank God (and thank you for your prayers) after two minutes she started to cry and her five minute apgar score was a perfect 10.  Which means I finally got to hold her.

But this is what I felt like: 

Part V: The Summary
Because she was so big they kept us two nights in the hospital.  While pregnant my plan was to stay no more than 24 hours but by the time everything was said and done I just didn't care.  I didn't feel like moving much and if they wanted to check her blood sugar levels and make sure I didn't hemorrhage that was fine with me. 

Teresa's birth was pretty amazing but, for me, that's not in a amazing=beautiful=healing=spiritual kind of way, though I think I'll get there.  I delivered an 11lb 9.5oz baby naturally with only one first degree tear so small they didn't even stitch it.  That's amazing.  My daughter is alive and healthy and happy.  That's amazing. 

Today as I looked at my baby girl I told her, "God wanted me to have you, an undeserved gift."  I mean that and I am so, so grateful.


P.S.:
My birth team:

They were awesome.  The two on my right have been at all four of my children's births.  The woman on the left is Mary, the midwife I saw for this pregnancy.  All of the women were amazing, but I must say that Mary was truly perfect.  She supports homebirth and did everything in her power to make my hospital birth as much like a homebirth as possible.  I know that because I had her I got what I wanted.  She was excellent.

so, so big

Today, as James and I walked into Steak and Shake to have lunch with the hard-workin' hubster, an employee walked by me and said, "Holy Jesus!"

I said, "Yes."

What was I supposed to say?  Jesus is holy and I am big so I thought I'd just agree with her.  It seemed better than telling her she was rude or asking for the manager.  But I bet I could have gotten my junior-sized Nutter Butter milkshake for free if I would have spoken to the manager.

Oh. And this is how big I am.  In case you're just dying to know.

Not the greatest picture, I know, but you get the gist.

10lb baby inside.  I'm sure.  It's my own damn fault for drinking Nutter Butter milkshakes and Moolattes.  And eating french fries.  And pizza.

BUT in my defense I have eaten a whole lotta fruit and asparagus this pregnancy.  I mean, I've gained like 25lbs or less.  So that's good.

With Lydia I went into labor the day of her due date and gave birth the next day.  With Bennet I gave birth two days after his due date.  James was born three days after his due date.  If this baby is going to stick with the pattern then I should go into labor today/tonight and give birth tomorrow. 

Oh Holy Jesus, please let it happen.  Amen!

7 quick takes

1 - Before you get too far into this song please be warned that a major f bomb is dropped in this one.  I'm pretty much sick of their single, which I posted a few weeks ago.  I can no longer listen to it.  Top 40 radio, you have overplayed and therefore killed another good song, for me anyways.  This song, though was recommended to me by my husband who had a student play it for him earlier this week.

2 - Honestly, I had no idea what song to post here this week.  I've been listening to the Maccabeats a lot lately, especially their cover of Matisyahu's Miracle.  It's how I'm prepping for the birth, weirdly.

If you're in the mood for a Hannukah song, and not a song that sounds a little like The Lion King, then you can watch this one:



3 - And yes, I'm still pregnant.  Last night I had some pretty strong, long contractions but whenever I'd sit and rest they'd stop.  I was tempted to go for a walk or scrub my tubs or something but overall I'm just too tired to do a bunch of work for something that would end once I sat down.

4 - Today I will have my first one of these since last fall.

Aaahhhh!  Pioneer Woman's iced coffee.  I bought Bailey's creamer just to go with it.  I am excited.

5 - For Mother's Day I'm doing this awesome thing:  hanging out with my mom without the kids.  Maybe it's bad that on the day that celebrates my motherhood the one thing I want is to be by myself with another adult.  No diapers, holding, correcting, wiping, feeding, buckling in, buckling out... 

6 - Today we have a playdate and since I am not in labor we will be there!  Yay for playdates!

7 - Courtesy of Netflix my kids are now fans of three staples from my childhood:  Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, and My Little Ponies.  The Ponies and Shortcake and updated, ya know, but I still like that Lydia loves what I loved as a little girl. 

Hallie's hosting Quick Takes this week.  Please pray for Jennifer, the soul of the man who was in the motorcycle accident she witnessed, and his loved ones.  Thanks.

7 quick takes

1 - The Boat Song!  Parents who love Margaret Wise Brown, and I'm lookin' at you, Laura Beth, I think you would like this song.  It was inspired by The Runaway Bunny and it features the bird wallpaper LB has in her kitchen and hallway.  Everyone else, it's such a cute song, I really think you should listen to it.  And then love it.

2 - For those of you who do not know my friend Laura, let me show you a picture of her arm.

Now do you understand why I think she'll like a song that was inspired by The Runaway Bunny?  You can barely see it, but there's two bunny birds, one for each of her sons.  Also, I don't really like tattoos but this is seriously the most amazing thing I've ever seen on someones body and I really appreciate the craftsmanship of this tat.

3 - Did I pull that off - calling it a "tat"?  Do people even call them "tats" any more?  It's tragic how unhip I am.  Wait....

4 - Lydia Anne turned 4 yesterday!  Four!  Her Strawberry Shortcake themed party is tomorrow and she is so excited.  What a cutie.  What a joy.  What a bundle of energy.

5 - Tonight Travis and I are going on a dinner and a movie date.  We're going to see the new Avengers movie and I think Travis is half-hoping I'll go into labor the way I did as I watched Iron Man 4 years ago.  We'll see! 

I'm excited about our date night but I do think I should probably tidy up the house a bit.  Our babysitters will be a couple of his students and I feel pressure to have the house clean.  I should have thought of this yesterday when all I did during quiet time was sit on my butt and surf the internet, telling myself that 9 month pregnant women with occasional contractions should keep their feet up so they don't get too swollen.  But now it's 9:30am and I've napped once already today, haven't showered, and need to clean and bake Lydia's birthday cake for tomorrow's party.  We'll see how all this goes.

6 - Bennet does this absolutely adorable thing where he sits on the back of the sofa, recites the first half of Humpty Dumpty, falls back onto the sofa, and recites the second half of the nursery rhyme.  I love it.

7 - Bennet wants a picture of himself on the blog so I will post one.  Happy Friday, everyone!

Wait for it....

-



Engstrom baby #5 is a GIRL!



And she's a tough lookin' sucka if you ask me.  Here she is last week with her elbow pointing at you and a grimace on her face.

I'm sorry if you missed the news.  I never made an announcement because, frankly, I'm just not my "normal" self right now.

I'll also be birthing at a local hospital this time around.  A long time ago I prayed about where I should go and I felt like God was probably calling me in that direction.  I'm also doing it to make the grandmas happy.  Because of my intense fear of pushing this baby girl out (it was during pushing that James died) I would rather be at home (away from the hospital crap when the baby is a stillborn) or just have a c-section but neither of options are really healthy and I know I'm just copping out. 

Don't get me wrong, though, I am still very pro homebirth.  Very.  In fact, the midwife I'm using did some of her training with my homebirth midwife and is very supportive of homebirth.  She is doing everything she can to make sure this hospital birth - and just this birth! - are positive experiences for me.  She has even encouraged me to have my homebirth midwife come to the birth.

This birth will be very different from my first 3.  All the post partum things I love and that make being at home so special won't happen.  But the good news is that my homebirth midwife and her birth assistant who have attended all three previous births will come to the hospital.  That makes me so happy.

So maybe you can see why I never really announced these things - our child's gender and the hospital birth - I have a large amount of confusing emotions surrounding them all!  But sorry to my friends who felt out of the loop, and sorry to my daughter whose life I should be celebrating.

7 quick takes

1 - JJ Heller, I will see you and Audrey Assad tonight! And you told me you'd sing My Savior's Love Endures for me!  And maybe you'll sing this song, too, which would be very appropriate since it's the Season of Easter and all.  Just sayin'...

2 - I am so excited about this concert.  Some friends and I are going to dinner first.  I will eat fried chicken and watch them drink beer.  I'm not excited about that - I'd like to drink beer, too.  mmm...beer...

3 - Wednesday I officially became 9 months pregnant.  36 weeks have come and gone so quickly.  Jiminy!  At my appointment with the midwife yesterday I learned that I actually do not have gestational diabetes (my bad, I misunderstood) so I feel a lot less guilty about all those Moolattes I've been drinking lately.  I also learned that the little girl in my womb's legs are measuring 40 weeks and the sonographer was guessing for a 9lb 7oz baby.  (I asked for her guess.)

4 - Everything is so different with a hospital birth verses a home birth.  Here's the list of things I can think to bring to the hospital, now tell me what I'm missing:
-change of clothes for pp
-clothes to wear home
-clothes for Baby Girl to wear home
-Baby Girl's blankie, in case it's cool.
-infant car seat
-lap top
-camera
-shampoo and conditioner
-toothbrush, deodorant, brush, make-up, etc.
-whatever stuff Travis wants to bring - he's on his own.

How's that for a list?  I'm really sad I won't have a birthday cake this year.  I haven't even thought about what I would pick.  Maybe angel food cake with berries and ice cream?  Smelling the cake bake while I labored was always one of my favorite things. 

5 - In happier news Travis told me a few nights ago that he thinks I look thinner.  By the end of the day my feet, face, and hands may be slightly bloated but my back fat is going away.  I have not been dieting during this pregnancy (remember the thing about the Moolattes?) but it has been my goal to weigh less post partum with Baby Girl than I did when I began the pregnancy.  I'm so tired of being fat.

6- Which is not to say I want to look anything like this.  I don't get the fitness inspiration boards on Pinterest.  I would probably feel just as unattractive lookin like that lady as I do now.  Her body is like a teenage boy's but with boobs.  Am I being mean?  Maybe.  I just like soft a curvy.  So does my husband, so that's good.

7-  On that note, I think I'm going to bake the best chocolate chips cookies ever.  Ever.

No sex for months

How's that for a catchy title?  It needs to be catchy because I need people to read this post and offer some advice, send me some links, lend me some books, and let me know if it's gonna suck as much as I think it's gonna suck.

And just to be completely clear - this is a natural family planning postpartum post.  Mucus, breastfeeding, gettin'-it-on, and Church theology will all be discussed here.  If that's not your cup of tea I think the Pioneer Woman is talking about being a rancher, or cooking, or something that doesn't involve my four topics of the day.  You'll be happier there.

In about five weeks I'm going to give birth to my fourth child.  We will be a family of six (6, yo) with all four kiddos being four and under.  As in Lydia will have turned four two weeks prior, Bennet will be two and three-fourths and James will be one and three-fourths.  For the record, this baby was more or less planned.

But after this baby comes Travis and I don't want to have any more kids for a long time... or forever.  Who knows?  God knows.  And He also knows that I feel like the Mad Hatter and need a good, long break from pregnancy, babies, and buying a bigger van.  I've told Him so, and He has a first row seat to my life.

Motherhood:

Anyways, all of this is building up to a point and that point is this:  How in the hell do people practice natural family planning when they are:

- breastfeeding, but...
- NOT ecologically breastfeeding
- prone to crazy, hard to read because it's almost always there and varying postpartum mucus
- super, duper, ridiculously fertile

I would really like to nurse this baby but co-sleeping, baby-wearing, nursing on demand, and not letting a kid who wants to sleep through the night, sleep through the night do not work for me.  At all.  Ecological breastfeeding is not an option for me because it transforms me into the worst mother, wife, and person in the world. 

TMI alert - after James was born Trav and I were not intimate for four months because we did not want to get pregnant.  (That's right I wouldn't have even been able to take the Guttmacher survey about nfp and contraceptives because of the very fact that I was practicing nfp!)  I was also not nursing James, just pumping for awhile but that had stopped by four months.

My husband and I are completely committed to the Church's teachings on sex, marriage, chastity, contraception, and nfp. But that doesn't mean I don't look at the list above and have to remind myself of why I believe those things.

There's also this:

Abstinence is probably our best bet if I really am going to nurse, and I know that because I will not be ecologically breastfeeding my cycles will return sooner.  But I'm still thinking I need to wait a good two or three cycles before we do anything crazy and that could very well mean four, five, six, or more months of postpartum nothingness.  We have done abstinence before but, I will be honest, chastity in those four months was pretty hard at times. 

So now the bottom line:  Does anyone out there have any experience with something similar?  Any advice to offer?  Anything?  Surely I am not the only woman God has put on His green earth with a similar situation.  Right?

big and cranky

I've gotten to the point in this pregnancy where I'm super big.

I waddle.  Clothes that fit last week don't fit today.  I have given up completely on bending over, wearing pants, and trying to not bump into people and things.

I've only gained 16lbs in the 35 weeks I've been pregnant but I am big, round, and uncomfortable.  It seems there is a correlation between my size and months preggo (next Wednesday I'll be 9 months!) and my grumpiness.

This is what my husband tells me anyways.

He's probably right.

Iron and The Beatles

If you've asked me in the past few months how I'm feeling I have probably told you that I'm tired.  Or exhausted.  Maybe even grumpy.  But definitely tired.

7 months pregnant with three little kids running around and not sleeping through the night - of course I'm tired!

But today I learned that my thyroid is a little out of whack and my iron numbers are pretty low.  So this pregnancy is kicking my butt.  No wonder I took two naps yesterday!

I suppose I should start eating steak and burgers every night with lots of kale chips on the side.  Have any of you been in this situation before?  What did you do about it?

Christmas Review #3 - the 7 quick takes edition

-1-

What a beautiful song "In the Bleak Midwinter" is.  There's three verses that are usually not sung - maybe because they're a little too religiousy? - but nonetheless the last verse is still my favorite.  It's so easy for me to think about all the ways I'm not measuring up.  Sometimes it smacks more than just a little bit if I think about all the ways that what I'm giving isn't good enough.  But I'm giving God my heart and my life and I'm not trying to be someone else and see, that's all He wants anyways.  My life, my talents, my trials, my joys, my heart - that's much more valuable to Jesus than a sacrificial lamb or a box filled with gold.  Whew.

-2-

Of course I picked a Christmas carol because we are still in the octave of Christmas (eight days beginning with the 25th that are all celebrated by the Church with as much gusto as Christmas itself), which is within the 12 days of Christmas (the 26th - Jan 6th, aka Epiphany or the day the Magi brought the gifts). 

Today is five golden rings.

-3-

I've never cared for the song "The 12 Days of Christmas." 

-4-

All I wanted was a cute picture of my Christmas-best-wearin' kiddos in front of the tree.  This was maybe as good as it got.

-5-

Hey, here's some really good news:  I'm 20 weeks pregnant and I've only gained 4lbs.  That's pretty daw-gone good for me.  My total weight gain goal is 15-20lbs for the pregnancy and I'm thinking that if I can get through Christmas and only gain one pound and be pregnant, well I have a very good chance of meeting that goal.

-6-

Other really good news: 

Today I mark 5 years of being married to the best man evah!

My husband is awesome and I love him so much.  Yay us!

Also, December, after Christmas, is the best time to have a Catholic wedding.  The Church is decorated beautifully and so you save all kinds of money.  We plugged in the lights on the trees that were up, called it good, and received one compliment after another. 

-7-

Special prayer request:

My friend Alicia is asking for prayers for a friend and the friend's babies. 

Triplets Ryan, Norah, and Lucas were born at 24 weeks and are now in the NICU.  Please pray for their health, their mom who is recovering, and all the people who love them and are very worried.

Thank you for praying!

7 quick takes

#1 - I'm a new soul in this strange place...


#2 - So if you were reading this blog all week you probably noticed I'm having cravings and I mentioned something about rumors.  And then there was the OK Go song, Here It Goes Again. 

#3 - I'm pretty sure that song is about something very different than a married woman having another baby with her loving husband but the words of the chorus are just so perfect!  "Just when you think you're in control, Just when you think you've got a hold, Just when you get on a roll, Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.  Oh here it goes again!

#4 - So, yes, I am pregnant!

#5 - 15 weeks (4 months) with a due date of May 16th.  I think I'm having a girl.  So does Lydia, and my friend Katie, and my mom, and Travis, and my mother-in-law.  I hope we're all right.

#6 - I have spoken with my homebirth midwife and had an appointment with a midwife at an ob-gyn's office.  I'm  still not 100% sure where we will birth this time around but, just like with all my births, I have been praying and thinking about what is best as I try to learn where God wants me to be.  We have already gotten some pressure to be in a hospital but I don't want to make any decisions based on peer pressure, other people's fears, or out of spite.  Please pray for us as we continue to discern this decision.

#7 - But more than anything please share in our joy!  Travis and I felt that God was calling us to trust Him and have this baby and we are very excited about our fifth child!

family planning

My friend Alisha has a great post about her feelings on having St. Gerard - patron saint of pregnant women - as her assigned patron saint for the year.  (You can have a patron saint assigned to you, too, courtesy Jen at Conversion Diary.  Check out the Saint's Name Generator.)

Reading Alisha's post reminded me of this story from my past and a new twist it has now taken.

The first seven months of Lydia's life were very, very tough on me.  I wasn't sure if I was cut out for motherhood but I knew I didn't want any more children.  I knew that the dislike of my vocation wasn't how things were supposed to be, and I also knew that my wanting to keep God out of my bedroom was not okay.  But I also felt like an angry, exhausted failure.  So I found my way to confession with my spiritual director, telling him that I didn't feel very pro life. He asked me, "If you found out you were pregnant today, what would you say?"

"Oh shit!" was my answer.  (just keepin' it real in the confessional)

Bennet was born about eight months later.


I have often joked that when I became pregnant with Bennet we were recklessly having sex, but now I see it differently.  Totally unintentionally, we were letting God plan our family.  At times it seemed irresponsible or overwhelming to have Lydia and Bennet so close together because of how hard mothering Lydia had been for me.  But now that I see my boys interact I know God wanted James to have Bennet as a big brother.  Those two boys love each other and light up when they see each other.  Travis and I are confident that Bennet will help James developmentally as much as all the doctors, specialists, therapists and tests.

God was setting the table for James at Bennet's conception, even before the world began.

(Alisha, this is not to say that I think you're supposed to become pregnant!  I'll leave that decision up to you, Jude and God.)

PS - I've heard women refer to babies such as Bennet as "oh what the hell babies."  As in they knew there was a chance they'd get pregnant if they were intimate but they said, "Oh what the hell!" and got busy. 

nesting + party prep

My mom and I have been working on getting the house ready for Bennet's big, upcoming birthday party.  But I also think that some of the work we've been doing is more about nesting for me than the party.  I mean, we've hosted events when our bed was in the living room...  the following has to be about the baby coming.

So here's what we've done:

#1 - kept a running list on the kitchen white board of all the things we need to do.  This is the second list, by the way.  We accomplished all the tasks that were first listed here.

Oh yeah, see the list on the left - that's the invite sheet. 

It's gonna be a packed house. 

 Good thing soda was on sale.

#2 - Mom stained and prettied up this old buffet.  It sat in their basement for years, beat up and covered in junk.  I love this thing because it a) makes our embarrassingly large tv look smaller b) holds and hides all our vhs tapes and dvds c) has drawers that are too hard for the kids to open - thus they are filled with all kinds of things I don't want them messing with, and a lot of junk that I don't want you to see.

 

#3 - We were able to move the all my books to the bookshelf, which once housed the movies.  Bennet and Lydia decided together to one day pull all the tapes out of the cardboard boxes and then smash the boxes.  Lydia was so proud.  But now it won't happen anymore, and believe it or not, they don't care so much about the books.

Don't we look so learned with all these books?  ;)

#4 - we rearranged the master bedroom (which still needs to be painted, I know - I hate all the white).  The black desk on the back right used to house the tv and looked like junk.  Now Trav and I have a place to work on things in private with our laptop when we need to get away from the kids.

We also moved the bassinet upstairs...  the baby is coommmming...!

(but not right now.  I am not in labor right now.  Just to clarify.)

#5 - This bookshelf used to be in the nursery / playroom on the first floor.  It is now in Lydia's bedroom, a move I hope will give her and Bennet things to do while we get up and ready in the morning.  I opted for mostly quiet toys and books to help with nap and bed times.  *fingers crossed*

#6 - We moved the entertainment center out of the dining room and into the nursery / playroom.  We took the glass door off the left side and housed the "fun" and educational books and toys here.  This is the best the entertainment center has looked in a looooong  time.

Possible #7.

This is the area of the dining room that used to house the entertainment center.  It now seems huge and empty.  Does anyone have suggestions for how to fill it?

God bless my mom for helping me with all this.  I wear out so easily now that I'm 38+ weeks along.  She's not only helped with this, but she's also helped with the kids and even taken them home so I can sleep better at night.  She's amazing and I'm so grateful.

"the upcoming birth", or "I am so not ready for this"

One week and five days until the due date of my fourth child.

Have we been preparing for this? 

Heck no! 

We've been remodeling and rearranging a house.  We've been going  back to school.  Dealing with a teething almost one year old.  Cuddling with the most cuddle-craving two year old I've ever met.  Preparing for a birthday party.  Trying to nap, rest, just sit down!

Do I have my birthday cake picked out?  No.
Do we have names picked out?  No.
Do we have the homebirth supplies assembled?  No.
Do we have the bassinet set up?  Newborn clothes out of the basement?  Diapers purchased?
No.  No.  And no.

This kid better not come early.

But more than not being physically ready, I just don't feel ready.

I've been too busy with life to think about another person joining our family, and when I finally did, all I could think of was the labor and delivery.

I was not afraid going into Lydia's birth.  I felt confident in my body and its ability to do what it needed to do.  I also felt confident in my midwife and husband, and their abilities to comfort and support me through the labor. 
That labor lasted for 21 hours and included lots of back labor.

I was not afraid for Bennet's birth.  I knew what I had done for Lydia and felt like I could do it again.  I also was reassured by the general rule that second labors are shorter than first.  And I loved the care I was given by my midwife and her assistants during Lydia's birth.  I knew that being at home was a great option and I relished in the care, attention and comfort. 
That labor lasted for 17 hours.  Pushing was difficult and Bennet's shoulders were stuck after his head was born.

For the first time, I feel nervous about giving birth.  I'm a bit scared of another long labor and another big baby.  I feel worn out from being the mother of two small kids and when I picture hours of pain I don't know if I can do it.  The confidence I once felt in my body's ability to birth naturally - heck to just give birth! - has diminished.  I've forgotten how to trust my body.  When I think of an epidural (no pain!) I want to go straight to the hospital. 

I won't, though.  I won't go to the hospital.  Because the epidural - which isn't even a 100% guarantee of a painless birth - isn't enough to negate all the perks of a home birth.
Bernice as my midwife.
Not having to fight for what I want.
Being home, in my own bed, cuddling with my whole family.
Smelling my birthday cake as it bakes, knowing it's waiting for me.
No transitioning from home to hospital and back again.

I'm sure to those who have never given birth at home this list seems silly.  But I assure you they are not.  They are wonderful things.  Things that helped make my birthing experiences very good experiences.

But I'm still a little worried about this whole L&D thing. 

So do me a favor, would you please?  If you are a home (or natural) birther, remind me that I can do it.  Cheer me on.  And PLEASE pray for a labor that lasts ten hours - at most!

7 quick takes

-1-

We are at the end of hell week over here. 

This is also crunch time.  Travis has been working as hard as he can to finish the house enough so that we can host 20 some friends tomorrow at a party.  Ten of the them are spending the night - a fact that makes us happy - but we need carpet down, towel racks up, and railing installed.  I'd show you a picture of how disordered our house currently is, but the batteries are dead in my camera.  Shucky darn.

-2-

I should say that the progress we have made would not have been possible if my in-laws hadn't already dedicated hours of free labor, our siblings hadn't volunteered help, my mother-in-law wasn't babysitting the kids, and my mom hadn't spent all day working in the yard with me and helping Trav upstairs.

Now if I would just get off the computer and clean up the oatmeal I spilled on the floor 2 hours ago.  I'm such a lazy bum, especially compared to all the hardworkers who surround me.

-3-

Bennet is starting to kiss on a more frequent basis.  Great big, wet, open mouth kisses.  It's beautiful.

-4-

The baby in my womb seems to be shaking her head a lot.  It's an odd, but awesome, feeling.

-5-

What are your favorite songs to sing at church? 

 I have to pick out 3 songs for Mass on Saturday - an opening and closing hymn and one for the communion meditation.  I tend to lean towards more traditional songs like How Can I Keep from Singing?, Alleluia!  Sing to Jesus, O God Beyond All Praising, or The King of Love My Shepherd Is.  I think I'll do the Jesus, Jesus Canon for the meditation... but I'm just not sure about the other two.

Suggestions?  I'm open for some good praise and worship, too.

-6-

I turned 29 last Sunday.  It's a weird age - not a bad one - but the notorious 30 is now very, very close.

-7-

I have noticed that many of my peers (other stay at home moms with children under the age of 4) like to take their kids to parks.  In the summer.  In central IL.  Where it is 83 and humid at 10am.  Don't they know that parks are for spring and fall days?  Haven't they been told that summer days are for swimming pools or air conditioning?

Seriously, don't you moms know this?!

How do you do it?!  Were you hypnotised to believe that parks in the summer are fun?

small success

Yes, I know Faith and Family does Small Successes on Thursdays, but I wanted to share these today!

1 - I saw my midwife on Saturday.  With 11 weeks to go, I have gained 13.5 lbs and have good blood pressure, glucose and protein levels.  YAY!

2 - My kids play together so well.  Right now they're chasing each other, squealing and laughing with delight.  Lydia frequently delights her brother with peek-a-boo, tickling him and being silly to make him laugh.  Of course it doesn't happen all the time, but when it does Trav and I enjoy and appreciate it.

3 - I taught Lydia "Jesus Loves Me".  It's so cute when she sings.  :)

4 - I bought all our groceries for $57 this week and with coupons and my Kroger card I saved over $21!  That's the best I've done in a looooong time!

Okay, friends.  Thanks for letting me brag a little. 

7 Quick Takes Friday (Vol 6)

-1-

I didn't get the job.

This is what I had prayed for - that God would make it clear to me if He wanted me there or not.

But I still feel the twinge of failure that calls for sweet things and iced chai.  (Really it calls for rum and coke but that will have to wait a few more months.)

-2-

Recently I watched the movie Frost/Nixon.  It was really interesting and I encourage you to check it out.  I know it wasn't 100% accurate, but it still gave me a good sense of what went on with President Nixon.

-3-

My husband and kids have been gone since Wednesday and I've been enjoying the time to myself.  I've slowly cleaned the house, spent time with friends, worked on the next Behold Conference and loved the way the bathroom and kitchen have stayed clean!  I even got my dining room tablecloth out!

-4-

I would like to say 2 things about the oil spill:  #1 Remember Apollo 13?  Three men in space and not enough air, so the engineers at NASA - in a matter of hours - created a filter out of tape, a tube sock and other basics.  The filter worked and astronauts lived.  Why don't we give those engineers a call?

#2  There are more than 2,000 people who belong to Facebook groups about how the oil spill has ruined their summer.  I think I may be more upset with them than the oil industry, BP or our government.

-5-

Number 4 was originally a lot stronger but then I went to Mass today and felt like I needed to be a little more respectful.  Today is the feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus - where we celebrate how much God loves us.  The priest kept talking about it, God's amazing love, and I realized that the people in our government, at BP, and on Facebook are all dearly loved by God and so I shouldn't call them names.  I can be mad at them, but I shouldn't call them names.  Or use swear words.  And after about 8 rewrites I accomplished both of those things.

-6-

Baby #4 update:  this pregnancy has been going really well.  Because of Bennet's birth size (10lb 11oz) and my current weight, my midwife and I want to take care that I don't develop gestational diabetes.  While I have still been enjoying fruit pops and ice cream cones, I've tried to eat lots of healthy food, too.  At 27 weeks I've only gained 15lbs and after 2 days of finger-pricking glucose testing I can proudly say that my blood sugar is under control and I am gestational diabetes free!

-7-

This is our garden and I am in love with it.  Last weekend Travis hoed the entire thing, a process that took hours.  Today I hoed a few little weeds and then planted a tomato plant, cilantro and mint.  I'm not sure how the herbs will do but I'm hopeful about the tomato. 

Please also note our compost.  I love our compost.

***  I know that I am posting this on Saturday, but hubby got home right as I was beginning #7 and he told me I needed to shower quickly and get ready to go.  He surprised me with Cold Stone and Robin Hood.

The cross of being super fertile

You have to read this post by DoctorGianna at her blog, The Children I Cannot Hold.  She compares people who are infertile with people who are "super-fertile", as she calls them.

I was very moved by what she wrote, and was going to leave a long comment.  Instead I'll just blog my thoughts here.  :)

Trav and I have 4 kids, our first was lost to miscarriage, a 2 yr old, an 8 mo old, and I'm 6 mo preggo.


My husband and I DO practice NFP, just maybe not very "well". (har har)  We were able to use it successfully to achieve our first two pregnancies, and to not achieve pregnancy for awhile after the miscarriage.

After our firstborn I was too tired to chart and conceived our 8 mo old while we were "recklessly having sex", as I jokingly say. The baby I'm carrying now was conceived P-6.  (For those not up on their NFP jargon, that's 6 days before peak day, which is the most likely day of ovulation.  It is technically within the realm of fertile days, but usually sperm only lives 2-3 days in a fertile woman.)

We feel like God is blessing us abundantly, but I also feel very strongly that this is MY path to sanctification. There are a lot of crosses to be carried every day, including the cross of knowing that other women would trade everything to be in my place.  When Lydia whines while Bennet fusses, or when the naps just don't seem to want to happen, or the poopy diaper leaks all over the entire outfit I just put on the freshly bathed child I sometimes want to roar curses.  Afterwards I apologize to God and the kids, and I remind myself that I need God's mercy, and these crosses have been given to me by God, handpicked by Him especially for me.  I need to try to do my best with them.

At the risk of being redundant, I want to be perfectly clear:  my children are enormous blessings.  It is the craziness, physical pain, exhaustion, frustrations, etc. that come with them that are the crosses.

Of course there is a difference in the crosses borne by those who are infertile and those who are super-fertile, but we all should be mindful that God opens and closes the womb as He sees fit.  I have experienced infertility through the loss of Peter; I am currently in a "super-fertile" stage.  Yet I am very aware that while we may have more children, we may not.  Kaitlin at More Like Mary - More Like Me said it beautifully when she wrote that children are ONLY gifts and they are ALWAYS gifts. 

Oh Mother Mary, St. Elizabeth and St. Hannah - pray for us!

small successes

Every Thursday Faith & Family hosts Small Successes, an opportunity for moms to list at least 3 things that went well in the last week. 

#1  At 16.5 weeks pregnant I had a check-up with Bernice, my midwife.  I had lost 3lbs since my last visit!  (I'm fat enough that this is okay, sadly.)  I've been trying very hard to not overeat and eat fill my diet with lots of healthy foods and very little sweets.  Plus, I've been going on walks with the kids or doing 45 mins on the eliptical at the gym.   

#2  I planted my garden and have done some landscaping.  We have also started composting.

#3  I have been working my bottom off on preparing for the Behold Conference, which will be this Saturday.  We have 90 registered guests coming to hear 2 national Catholic speakers.  Based on the fact that we decided to do this in February, it's the first time it's been done, and we're holding it in a Catholic school, I feel pretty pleased - and majorly grateful - for the turn out.  We have been blessed over and over again while putting this together, despite a few struggles.  I pray that God will bless conference and the women who attend.

#4  We paid off our credit card and a small loan!  (Many thanks to the federal government!)

Open to Life

That was the attitude Travis and I took - we weren't trying to get pregnant but we also knew there was a small chance we might.

And as my temperature never went down on my NFP chart I started to suspect that our little "open to life" bit meant that there was another life. And I'll be honest, I was a little overwhelmed at the thought of 3 under 3.

But after I took the ept, I sat on my bed and told God He would have to provide. How else could we do it? Looking at the chart I felt that He wanted this baby to exist. (Read: The conception was not miraculous, but well beyond the normal.)

The way that He has provided since that positive test has been amazing.

- We thought we owed our midwife $500 for Bennet's birth. She said insurance paid for everything plus $3.20, which she's crediting to this new baby.
- Someone decided that our hand-me-down sofa just wouldn't do and bought us a new one, one that is much easier to get out of when you're 9 months pregnant or holding a sleeping newborn.
- He made it abundantly clear which mini-van to buy.
- An anonymous donor gave us $500 via my spiritual director. When I returned home with the gift our car insurance bill was in the mail, for $480.
- A friend of the family bought us a new laptop, something we'd been trying to (unsuccessfully) save for. This laptop helps Travis with his master's program, half of which is online, and me with my very part time, work from home job.

This abundance of gifts reassured me that everything would be okay. God is faithful, and He had chosen to bless Travis and I in an awesome way - with another child.

This whole experience has taught me is that fertility is a gift - a great gift - and I will not curse God that He has given it to me. I will try to not become anxious or troubled or angry with God that I am pregnant again. I will not be afraid of having a baby 2 weeks after Bennet's 1st birthday. My vocation is to be a wife and mother, and clearly God has some great plans for my sanctification. 

Okay, honestly, sometimes I do worry about it all but I then run through the amazing ways that God has blessed us through the heroic generousity of others and His clear guidance and I feel reassured. 

It's like what Sara Groves said,

God has been faithful, He will be again.  His loving compassion knows no end.  All I have need of His Hand will provide.  He's always been faithful to me.