7 quick takes

1 - Is that Biz Markie?

2 - I've been sick all week.  Sunday night was horrible.  I thought I'd be better by today.

3 - Today my eyes are goopy.  GOOPY!  Like when I woke up my eyelids were crusted together from dry goop.

4 - Today I call the doctor.

5 - I've got a family reunion this weekend - I need to be well.

6 - I'm supposed to make Thomas birthday party invitations with my Crafty Katie tomorrow.

7 - I need to do these things without hacking on Grandma or getting goop on the special craft supplies.

Hope you're better off than me!

7 quick takes

1 - Once again, I thank the Mumford & Sons Pandora station for introducing me to more good music.

2 - I recently found the blog The Recovered Catholic and I've been enjoying it.  Christina is another small town Illinois girl and (I emailed her and asked because I'm noisy) she only lives an hour and a half away from me.  Oh internet, look at you bringing people together.  Sorta.

3 -I've been trying some Pinterest recipes lately.  The chicken fried chicken; lemon scones; and  black bean, avocado, and cucumber salad recipes are all great.  Today I also made the Pioneer Woman's restaurant salsa recipe with tomatoes from my garden and it was fantastic!  You can check out these recipes by checking out my "Food I Gotta Make" board.

4 - This morning my husband let me sleep until 8:35.  This is easily an extra hour and a half, and had Teresa not been hungry I would have slept longer.  The past few nights have been pretty rough around here because of the older two which means I've been becoming over-tired which means my patience has been decreasing. I'm so grateful for the extra sleep.  (And I'd love it if you could say a little prayer for me and my kids.)

5 - Also, I hope you're praying that the Landrys sell their stupid house!  We've all been asking for St. Jude's intercession and since he's the patron of impossible causes we may need his help.  Even if you whisper a "please, God" on their behalf everyone who loves them would really appreciate your prayer.

6 - Have any of you read a book that tells a story similar to James'?  I'd love suggestions of books about miracles, NICU babies, anything similar.  And if you want to give me a mini review of the book, too, that would be great.  Please leave a comment!

7 - Time to clean the kitchen!  God bless!

31 Things

Some bloggers I love recently had birthdays and marked those days making lists of the things they wanted to do in the upcoming year.  I thought I'd jump on that bandwagon for my 31st birthday so here goes:

31 things I want to do in the next year:

1 - Lose another 45lbs.

2 - Run an 8 minute mile.

3 - Memorize the morning offering and pray it each and every day.

4 - Read more to my kids.

5 - Read more for myself.

6 - Spend one-on-one time with each of my kids every day, even if it's just 5 minutes.

7 - Get down and play on the floor more.

8 - Mop more often.

9 - Go to Adoration.

10 - Find out the "love language" of the people I care most about and make sure I use it.

11 - Go for more walks.

12 - Arrange to spend time with my Mom without the kids.

13 - Clean out my closet.

14 - Own less stuff.

15 - Stop worrying about how people perceive me online. 

16 - Go to a concert.

17 - Share James' story with more people.

18 - Find ways to tighten our budget to get rid of debt.

19 - Look into parochial school for Lydia's kindergarten.

20 - Homeschool pre-school for Lydia doing school three times a week.

21 - Find more ways to honor Travis.

22 - Write James' story.

23 - Eat at McDonalds less.

24 - Spend more time with my grandparents.

25 - Write more letters to my friends in convents.

26 - Try new recipes.

27 - Cook with fresh produce.

28 - Buy a quarter of a cow from a local farmer.  (Anyone wanna go in on this with us?)

29 - Pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet more and teach it to my kids.

30 - Drink more water every day.

31 - Enjoy having a baby.

love song link up

Over at Betty Beguiles Hallie is hosting a little love song link up where she invited her readers to post about their favorite love songs.  Taking a slightly different twist on the matter I thought I'd post the songs that make me think of the people in my family.  They're love songs, just not the romantic kind.
Travis:

The first dance at our wedding reception was to Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of What a Wonderful World and that song is special to me.  But I still consider this "our song."

Peter:

A lot of the things Sara lists in this song are things Peter never got the chance to lose.  But even though he lost his life he cannot lose my love.

Lydia:

This song came out right around the time of Lydia's birth.  Every time I heard it I thought of my little girl, this new soul trying to figure things out in the world and I was given the blessing of leading her by the hand.  So lovely.

Bennet:

This song came out around the time of Bennet's birth.  Looking at my great big baby boy as he grew into the charmer he is - it is undeniable that there is a Creator behind the miracle that is life.
James:

There were so many times I sang this song to James while he was in the NICU and I still sing it to him as a lullaby at times.  The lyric, "with ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go" made my heart ache, especially when we were still looking at the possibility of James having a rather short and very disabled life.  Take away all the grief and jubilation and he would still be my sweet baby James.

Teresa:

The chorus of this song was the first thing I sang to my new baby girl when I held her in my arms.  Even the first time I heard it I touched my belly and thought of her.  It's so fantastic how God places just the right people together.

some quick takes on a Monday

1 - So the BIG, super duper exciting news (which you've probably already heard) is that the Sheen Foundation will be submitting James' story as the official alleged miracle for Venerable Sheen's beatification.  So a group of experts (doctors and theologians) will review the alleged miracle.  If they can't find any holes in the case they will send it up to the Congregation for the Causes of Saints.  Once that group of Bishops and Cardinals review it they will (hopefully) approve it and send it up to the Pope.  Pope Benedict will then read about my homebirth, James baptism, the trip to the ER, his coming back to life, and all our prayers.  And then he will maybe approve the alleged miracle as a true miracle.  Talk about surreal!

2 - The picure above is from the Chicago Tribune (It was taken by a wonderful freelance photographer named Ben.  Ben hung out at our house for a few hours the other day and true to his word, the stains in my carpet cannot be seen in the picture.) 

You can read the Tribune's article about Sheen and James here.  You can read the article in the New York Times here.  In our opinion the Tribune's article is better.  They summarize much more acurately what happened to James and they don't make me sound like a single mother.

3 - When I read the Times article for the second time I noticed two things:  They don't mention Travis and they refer to me as Ms. Engstrom.  I HATE being called "Ms."  In my (perhaps small and judgemental little) mind that title is appropriate for divorcees and unmarried feminists.  I am neither, and I want my husband to be recognized even if it is through my title of "Mrs."  Being Mrs. Engstrom doesn't make me feel old - it is a title that shows respect for me and my marriage.  End rant.

4 - Jennifer Fulwiler wrote a good piece on Gotye's song Somebody That I Used to Know over at the Register.  She mentions my post, "The wait was well worth it" - which is awesome.  Simcha and Jen, two giants of the Catholic blogosphere, giving me love at the Register. 

5 - Let's go back to that picture for a moment.  James looks awesome.  I look fat, which I am and I knew that, but it was sad for me to see how bad I really look.  At 6 weeks post partum I weigh 13lbs less than what I weighed when I became pregnant with Teresa and I'm almost half way to reaching my first goal.  That's a really big deal and I need to be proud of myself about that... but it was still pretty demoralizing to see the picture.  Losing weight is hard - made even more so by my love of sugar and my desire to not effect my milk supply.  So... I don't know... cheer me on in the comment box or something.  Thanks.

6 -  And this is funny:

7 quick takes

1 - This infectious song just got so much better.  The guy on the right, rockin' out on the xylophone on wheels and the one on the left with the kazoo are my faves.  That is, they're my favorites not counting Jimmy Fallon.  I love watching Fallon enjoying himself, it makes me happy seeing him so happy.  I hope this song and video make you smile the way it did for Travis and me. 

2 - Remember when our house looked like this?

 It looks like this now:

With some lovely landscaping that looks like this:

Okay, well you can't see the landscaping so well but believe me, it looks wonderful.

3 - When I was pregnant with Teresa I had no energy what-so-ever.  Getting myself and three kids dressed and out of the house before 9am was a ginormous feat.  And so now, three weeks post partum, I am thrilled to have the energy to actually do things. 

Wednesday's weather was beautiful and while Teresa napped the rest of the family was outside.  Lydia and I planted some flowers and it was a wonderful remedy for how I'd been feeling.

4 - Yesterday Travis did some stuff around the house that needed to be crossed off our to do list.  The first "To Do" was to hang the light fixture over our kitchen sink.

The second thing was to install a spicket on the outside of our house.  He'll hook up the plumbing once the mortar is all set and we'll finally have a hose outside!  This means good things for water fun this long, hot summer.

5 - Last week I said I was getting some short bangs.  My hair dresser / sister-in-law was hesitant and it took me a few days to figure out how to best style them but I think they turned out pretty well. I was hoping for something kinda hip but I may have only gotten nerdy but I still like them.  Oh well.

6 - Now that fair season is upon us I feel like summer is really here.  Our family went to a Turkey Festival in a local town.  Travis and I kept to our diets and didn't eat anything (it was horrible!).  I thought I was being a good mom and bought 6 tickets thinking my two eldest would get to each ride 3 rides.  What an idiot I was!  One ride each for $3 a pop.  Lydia chose the carousel and Bennet the train.  James and Teresa hung out in the stroller and then we left.

7 - Teresa Marie will be baptised this Sunday at our 9am Mass with a celebratory brunch to follow.  I've got some breakfast casseroles to make, fruit salad to prep, and a DQ ice cream cake to buy. 

Have a great weekend, everyone!  Click on over to Conversion Diary for more Quick Takes!

7 quick takes

1 - I haven't really felt like my marriage is "dancing in minefields" but I like the analogy nonetheless.  I think this song is beautiful.

2 - Speaking of marriage - in the five years that I've been hitched to Travis we have both gained a lot of weight.  I won't tell you how much but my awesome cooking and four babies in four years have not been good for our waistlines.  We are finally doing something about it.  Travis bought the Insanity videos and I started Weight Watchers.  I feel stupid even mentioning it but I'm sincerely hoping that by next summer I will look a lot more like this:

Yes, I want to be thin again.  With naturally curly hair again.  Eating a Belgian waffle in Belgium again.

3 - Did you hear the good news about Hallie and Dan Lord?  Dan, whom you may know as Mr. Betty Beguiles, has been named the new editor for Catholic Exchange!  Congratulations are definitely in order, so CONGRATULATIONS!  Bloggers I love such as Patrick Madrid, House Unseen's Dwija, and Clan Donaldson's Cari write at Catholic Exchange, which features all kinds of great content.  I'm super excited for Dan and his family.

Also, right now Catholic Exchange is in the midst of their summer fundraising.  Why not drop by and donate a little bit of money to make sure this great site is able to keep up the good work?

4 - Here is an example of why I do not do ecological breastfeeding:  Last night Teresa slept from 9:30pm until 7:30am.  That means I got to sleep through the night, too.  THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!

5 - Today I will get my hair cut.  And I want my bangs to look like this:

I don't know if this will work on me because of my longer hair but I'm liking the short bang look.  Here's hoping it looks cute!

6 - I am super excited to say that this July my friend Sr. MN will be professing final vows with the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia, aka the Nashville Dominicans.  Sister was my best friend in college and it was a lot of fun to watch her revert to her Catholic faith, fall in love with Christ, discern religious life, and have to learn how to sew.  (She was horrible at sewing but every nun needs to know how to do it I guess.  It's a habit thing, I think.)  I have been a horrible pen pal with her, and each child makes me even worse, but I love her and have such wonderful memories of eating ice cream, singing along to Keith Urban's Blue Jean Song, and watching her play laser tag. 

We're not sure if the whole family can go or not.  I really want her to meet my kids but a seven hour drive and a night in a hotel room followed by good behavior at a long Mass sounds like a disaster for my family of six.  There's also the fact that we really can't afford to pay for any of this.  I tried thinking of ways to raise money for it.  I could bake pies, do a garage sale, clean people's homes, or be really tacky and ask for cash for my birthday.  I could probably whip together a yard sale, right?  And sell some fruit pies at the sale? 

Or we could win the lottery.

7 - Our 12 year old neighbor boy was visiting while the kids and I were playing outside yesterday.  He looked at Teresa and said, "I think she looks like you."

"Oh yeah?  Thanks."

"Yeah; you have the same red dots on your face."

Awesome.  My precious daughter and I look alike because we both have acne.

Here's hoping everyone has a great weekend!  Head over to Jen's for more Quick Takes! 

Let's all drink a beer.  It's only 5 points. ;)

an incoherent post by a post partum woman

When I first began blogging I wanted to be honest about things.  Motherhood was tough and I just came right out and said it.  With my fourth baby I will say that motherhood is still tough but the loneliness and sleepless nights are nothing compared to how I feel now.

I always assumed that the older my kids grew the more heartaches I would have.  I did not, however, foresee how short my patience would run, how overwhelmed I would feel, and how I would feel sucked dry by the end of the day.  One of my children loves to chat, to be the center of attention, and to receive heaping amounts of physical affection throughout the day; I like silence and to not touch or be touched.  It is very hard for me to fulfill this child's needs.

Every day I lose my temper.  I say things I shouldn't.  I ignore kids who want me because I really, really don't want to give any more of myself.  Every day I can see how much my kids want my love and approval and at some point every day it is very hard to do that for them.

Recently someone commented that me and my blog are "dumb happy".  I'm not 100% sure what that means, having never heard the expression before, but a Facebook survey amongst my friends says it means "slap happy".  So I guess, at least to one person, I am obnoxiously happy - which is interesting to me because I do not feel that way or even view this blog that way.

I write how I speak.  It may not be very polished and I may frequently end my sentences with prepositions, but I don't care.  This is my voice; this is who I am.

But I no longer feel like I have to be super honest.  I don't want my kids to grow up and have our misbehavior and every feeling of frustration directed at them documented on the internet.  I love, love, love them and I don't want them to ever be embarrassed or hurt by what I type here.  So maybe in the end I come off a little more positive (but I really don't think I do...).  I also think there's great good in representing all the perks of the married life.  Enough people in the world complain about their husbands, put down men, and laugh a little too hard at jokes about drinking hard liquor to get through a day at home with the kids. (Not that there aren't days when I really want a stiff drink.)

I started this blog to share adventures of with friends and family.  Pictures of our cute kids, updates on the house renovation, funny anecdotes from our days would be posted for a smallish group of people who know and love us.  But now there are a couple hundred people who check this blog on a regular basis and I don't know who they are.  I like them (I like you.) and I love it when they comment and email me and share their lives with me, and so now I find myself writing for them, too.  (Jordan on the West Coast, I often write and pray for you.)

For awhile I tried to make this blog something more important than it is.  I thought I should try to grow my readership, write intelligent and insightful things, throw my two cents in along with all the other bloggers.  But now I don't really care about those things.  My pride got the better of me and I became tired trying to be more interesting than I am. 

What am I even saying here?!  Heck if I know.  I guess... just know that
I'm sorry I don't post more often,
I hope you like the dumb songs I post every Friday,
thanks for coming along for the ride,
I hope I really am not obnoxious,
there's nothing wrong with being happy,
this blog isn't important,
honesty is important but so is respecting my family's privacy and showing the good,
I'm probably going to only post 1, 2, or 3 times a week and never on a regular basis except for 7 quick takes,
can you tell that I'm postpartum?

I call this "baby brain".

7 quick takes

1 - This song is from The Hunger Games, which is a book I haven't read and a movie I haven't seen.  But this song I could listen to forever.

2 - The public demanded more pictures of Teresa, and I will oblige them.  Here she is in her "going home from the hospital" outfit.  she is so big.  HUGE.  I can't believe I gave birth to her!

 3 - We're so tired over here.  And it's her fault.  Lucky for her she's cute and I'm in love.  But she's only nursing on one side and that's causing some problems.  The little booger.

 4 - A friend from college unexpectedly stopped by yesterday with a platter of goods.  Freezer-ready chicken and noodles, homemade rolls, rice krispie treats, and what she jokingly called "a breakfast smoothie" - a margarita mix.  Thanks, Megan!

5 - When we came home from the hospital I gave Bennet a great big hug and noticed that he wasn't wearing a diaper.  The little man, at the age of 2 and 1/2, has potty trained himself.  He only needs a diaper for naps and bedtime and has had very few accidents.  I knew he was ready but because I'd heard people say that toddlers regress when the baby comes I didn't want to stress myself out with potty training just to see it all disappear once we got home from the hospital.  I suppose that could still happen, but he seems to be so proud of himself that I'm hoping it won't. 

6 - We are a family of 6.  I have 4 kids, 4 and under.  I'm only 30 years old and I've only been married for five years.  This boggles my mind.

7 - With Teresa we're doing all kinds of things we didn't do with Lydia because I was told good parents don't do those things.  Now I don't give a darn what good parents do - I want to make sure my kids feel loved and not loose my mind while doing it.  Therefore, for example, Teresa take about half of her naps in the swing.

1 week old

Today Teresa Marie is one week old.  I'm still sore and tired and Travis and I are adjusting to having 4 kids.  Suddenly the oldest two are more disobedient and James is all about climbing the dining room chairs and table.  Last night at 6:30 we looked at each other and agreed that we had had it.  It was decided that the kids would get in thier pj's, watch a movie, and eat popcorn like a special treat.  It worked. 

But in honor of my newborn's first week of life I thought I'd type up a list of all the things I've loved in this post partum period.

- the rum and coke Travis snuck into the the hospital for me to drink after delivery
- the roses Travis brought me once we came home
- the way my doula/lactation consultant came to my house on Friday, told me four things, and fixed all our nursing problems
- the way James smiles at Teresa and pats her on the head, but mostly ignores her
- all the cute, pink clothes that have come out of the storage bin in the basement(!)
- the beer I had with lunch yesterday
- sleeping on my back
- wearing my regular jeans
- the way Teresa has slept at night (I'm still loosing sleep but it could be - and was - much worse!)
- getting to know my sweet baby girl, her eyes, hands, likes, all of her
- enjoying this newborn period, which we we lost with James
- how Bennet and Lydia look out for and love on their baby sister
- that I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight (now to get back to my pre-pregnancy-with-Lydia weight)
- the women from church and other friends who are bringing us meals (Thank you!)
- the awesomeness that is my mom and mother-in-law, who have both stayed out our house and taken the kids as we work out this new normal

7 quick takes

1 - Teresa Marie's birth story is now up.  You can check it out below this post, or click here.  Though by clicking you will no longer be able to hear this funky, groovy, perfect song.  Thank you, Mr. Stevie Wonder, for writing this piece of music.

2 - Cluster feeding is happening.  Milk is coming in.  I am sore.  She won't nap.  Which means I can't nap. 

3 - I listened to Johnny Cash while laboring with Teresa.  I did that with Bennet's birth, too, and it's so helpful.  Highly recommend it.

4 - How 'bout some pictures?

5 - Bennet LOVES Baby Resa, as he calls her.  LOVES her.  As soon as he saw her he asked to hold her, and when he did he immediately put his cheek to hers, kissed her, patted her head, commented on how soft her hair was, and then - waving his hand around her - he asked, "Where baby come from?"

6 - Lydia is very interested in how I feed Teresa.  When we first came home from the hospital she asked if she could feed Teresa some babyfood.  I explained she would have to eat milk from my breast.   Lydia asked, "How will she do that?  With hoses?"

7 - James doesn't know what to think of our newborn but he's pretty ticked that I can't pick him up right now nor hold him while she's nursing.  Poor little boy.

Alright, friends.  Thanks for all the well wishes, love, congrats, prayers, and general nice things you've said.  We appreciate it!  And now it's time to nurse!  Have a fun weekend, and check out conversiondiary.com for more quick takes!

Introducing Teresa Marie

The quick facts:

Teresa Marie

born at 4:35pm
on Tuesday the 22nd of May.

21 and 1/2 inches long

11 pound 9.5 ounces at birth,

but we'll just round up to 11. 10.

She has soft, dark hair and ridiculously long fingernails.  Her eyes are dark, she's already lifting her head to look around, she has a strong cry, and she looks like Bennet did when he was born.

Her name comes from

Mother Teresa,

our Blessed Mother,

and my mom, whose middle name is also Marie. 

The Birth Story:

Part I: Pre Labor
Late Monday morning the kids and I went grocery shopping.  My lower back was killing me and I was hopeful that it meant promising things for labor.  By lunch time I was having contractions.  By 3pm they were becoming more painful and I called Travis to make sure he knew it.  I also called my midwife, doula, and friend/homebirth midwife to give them a head's up that I thought it was the day.

That evening I made dinner, went for a walk with Travis, baked some strawberry lemonade bars, texted my birth team, and went to bed.  At 3am I woke up from a nightmare (Travis and two other men we're friends with were considering remodeling a haunted house for the hexenbiest-looking monsters who lived there.  I and the wives all said NO but Travis really wanted to do it and I was really annoyed with him.) Then I had a horrible contraction. 

A little bit later I woke him up telling him I thought we needed to make some phone calls.  A little after that my doula arrived.  We went upstairs so I could labor in the quiet of my bedroom.  But sitting there on my bedroom floor was too much for me and all I could think of was how I sat on the bedroom floor while they worked on James.  I cried through my next contraction and then moved downstairs.

We were there for no more than 10 minutes when, kneeling on some Chux pads (leftovers from previous homebirths) I threw up, causing my water to break.  Not wanting to be in intense labor when my kids woke up or in the car we headed over to the hospital.

Part II: The Hospital
As soon as we got to our room a woman gave me a hospital gown and told me to "go ahead and take everything off and put that on."  I asked her why.  I guess that was a stupid question - she thought so and sarcastically said, "OKAY..." while rolling not just her eyes but her entire head - but I wasn't about to push out the baby and didn't feel like being practically naked.  I really was confused by why she would tell me to do that. 

Fortunately, our doula was in the hall and overheard the conversation and then spoke to the woman and my nurse.  She told them how I had homebirthed 3 kids and also explained about James.  It was wonderful to not have to explain those things to anyone.

Our nurse was wonderful.  I sat on a birthball fully dressed in my own clothes.  She ignored the peanut butter and crackers I ate around lunch time.  She left me alone for long periods of time.  She bent a lot of rules.  My contractions were strong but they weren't regular and stayed around 10 minutes apart.  This was really discouraging for me, especially since I thought I'd have a baby by noon since my water broke at 6:30.  Because I had slept the night before I felt pretty good.  In between contractions we sat around and joked, chatted, and laughed. 

But then, as dinnertime approached I started to ask for pain medication.  I was starting to feel tired and discouraged and I was worried I wouldn't be able be able to manage the pain and the fear when it was time to push.  By this point I was also saying a lot of "Oh my God"s; "Please, oh my God, please"s; and "Oh shit"s. The "oh my God"s were usually attached to some kind of intention - for the people who comment on my For Pete's Sake posts, other people I had promised to pray for - these were never clear, specific "this contraction is for Katie and her boards" but were vague and hopefully still helpful. The "please, oh my God"s were my way of praying for myself - less pain, a living baby, that it would all be over soon. The "oh shit"s were because it hurt like hell and I felt like an ass for not asking for the epidural many hours before.

My midwife wanted to check my cervix to see if I could have the epidural and she found that there was still water in my bag.  I remember crying out, "Think of all the poor souls in Purgatory!" and everyone laughed except for Travis who knew I meant it.  My midwife then broke my water and held her hand there through the next contraction, causing me to say, "I want you to know that I hate you right now!"  Breaking the water meant that Teresa immediately started moving down and there was no more time for an epidural.

Part III: The Birth
At 4:28pm I called out, "Here she comes."  And then things got really scary for me.  I stopped having the urge to push and without my body telling me when to push I didn't know what to do.  I was able to get her to the crowning point but then we were stuck.  Really, I don't remember everything that happened and the order that it came in.  I remember them saying we needed to get her out and asking me to push.  I know I had to be flipped from being on my hands and knees to being on my side.  I know they kept telling me to get my legs up.  At one point I asked if she was alive.  I know her cord was loosely, half way around her neck and so my midwife reached up and flipped it over T's head.  I know that hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life and I roared in pain.  After that they had me get flat on my back and pull my knees all the way up to my face.  The nurse did a move called the supra pelvic, using her fist to push down on the top of my pelvic bone and Teresa's stuck shoulder.  That also hurt like hell.  After her shoulder was free I pushed her out and I remember the feeling of her being completely out of me.  It was over and I had done it.


Part IV: The APGAR
However the feeling of relief was pretty brief because instead of giving her to me they took her over the the cart to work on her.  I asked if she was alive and they said yes but I didn't trust what I was being told because if she was okay she would have been with me.  Because I was still flat on my back and too exhausted to sit up I couldn't see what was happening, which was this:

Teresa's apgar score at birth was a 2.  Ten is perfect, James was a 0.  Teresa was blue, limp, and not breathing but unlike her big brother she had a heartbeat.  While they were giving her air she gasped a few times and fortunately my mom excitedly commented every time she heard one.  But Travis was silent and that made me worried, too.  Thank God (and thank you for your prayers) after two minutes she started to cry and her five minute apgar score was a perfect 10.  Which means I finally got to hold her.

But this is what I felt like: 

Part V: The Summary
Because she was so big they kept us two nights in the hospital.  While pregnant my plan was to stay no more than 24 hours but by the time everything was said and done I just didn't care.  I didn't feel like moving much and if they wanted to check her blood sugar levels and make sure I didn't hemorrhage that was fine with me. 

Teresa's birth was pretty amazing but, for me, that's not in a amazing=beautiful=healing=spiritual kind of way, though I think I'll get there.  I delivered an 11lb 9.5oz baby naturally with only one first degree tear so small they didn't even stitch it.  That's amazing.  My daughter is alive and healthy and happy.  That's amazing. 

Today as I looked at my baby girl I told her, "God wanted me to have you, an undeserved gift."  I mean that and I am so, so grateful.


P.S.:
My birth team:

They were awesome.  The two on my right have been at all four of my children's births.  The woman on the left is Mary, the midwife I saw for this pregnancy.  All of the women were amazing, but I must say that Mary was truly perfect.  She supports homebirth and did everything in her power to make my hospital birth as much like a homebirth as possible.  I know that because I had her I got what I wanted.  She was excellent.

so, so big

Today, as James and I walked into Steak and Shake to have lunch with the hard-workin' hubster, an employee walked by me and said, "Holy Jesus!"

I said, "Yes."

What was I supposed to say?  Jesus is holy and I am big so I thought I'd just agree with her.  It seemed better than telling her she was rude or asking for the manager.  But I bet I could have gotten my junior-sized Nutter Butter milkshake for free if I would have spoken to the manager.

Oh. And this is how big I am.  In case you're just dying to know.

Not the greatest picture, I know, but you get the gist.

10lb baby inside.  I'm sure.  It's my own damn fault for drinking Nutter Butter milkshakes and Moolattes.  And eating french fries.  And pizza.

BUT in my defense I have eaten a whole lotta fruit and asparagus this pregnancy.  I mean, I've gained like 25lbs or less.  So that's good.

With Lydia I went into labor the day of her due date and gave birth the next day.  With Bennet I gave birth two days after his due date.  James was born three days after his due date.  If this baby is going to stick with the pattern then I should go into labor today/tonight and give birth tomorrow. 

Oh Holy Jesus, please let it happen.  Amen!

Wait for it....

-



Engstrom baby #5 is a GIRL!



And she's a tough lookin' sucka if you ask me.  Here she is last week with her elbow pointing at you and a grimace on her face.

I'm sorry if you missed the news.  I never made an announcement because, frankly, I'm just not my "normal" self right now.

I'll also be birthing at a local hospital this time around.  A long time ago I prayed about where I should go and I felt like God was probably calling me in that direction.  I'm also doing it to make the grandmas happy.  Because of my intense fear of pushing this baby girl out (it was during pushing that James died) I would rather be at home (away from the hospital crap when the baby is a stillborn) or just have a c-section but neither of options are really healthy and I know I'm just copping out. 

Don't get me wrong, though, I am still very pro homebirth.  Very.  In fact, the midwife I'm using did some of her training with my homebirth midwife and is very supportive of homebirth.  She is doing everything she can to make sure this hospital birth - and just this birth! - are positive experiences for me.  She has even encouraged me to have my homebirth midwife come to the birth.

This birth will be very different from my first 3.  All the post partum things I love and that make being at home so special won't happen.  But the good news is that my homebirth midwife and her birth assistant who have attended all three previous births will come to the hospital.  That makes me so happy.

So maybe you can see why I never really announced these things - our child's gender and the hospital birth - I have a large amount of confusing emotions surrounding them all!  But sorry to my friends who felt out of the loop, and sorry to my daughter whose life I should be celebrating.

Tag - I'm it!

Here's a bunch of gibberish all about me.  I was tagged in this fun little blogging game and I'm going to play along because after a week of recouping I finally feel social again. 

The rules:

1. The first rule is to post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself then write 11 things about you/your life.
3. Answer the questions for you set in the original post.
4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter to tell them you have tagged them.

I'm the one on the right with a large mouth and glasses.  This was at a FOCUS conference back in my campus ministry days.  I wonder if I still have that watch somewhere.  I loved that watch.

Eleven things about myself:
1 - I'm conflicted about Kanye West.  He's a great rapper but man-o-man is he ever inappropriate.
2 - I really suck at Lent this year. 
3 - I used to think of myself as funny but I don't any more.  The only thing that's changed is that before I was fat and needed to be funny.  Now I'm fat and I've decided to put effort into being kind rather than being clever.  I hope it's working.
4 - My Christmas lights are still up outside.  It would take 5 minutes to unwrap them from the banister but it still hasn't happened.
5 - My husband and I honeymooned in Scotland because #1 I love Braveheart #2 I didn't want to go anywhere hot - especially a beach.  Instead of a bunch of pictures of me in a bathing suit laying around (a thing no one wants to see - even from my thin days) I have all these awesome pictures of me looking cute in jeans and turtlenecks exploring castles. 
6 - I was first runner up in a beauty pageant once upon a time.
7 - I really dislike New York City and Chicago.  They're big and smelly.
8 - I dislike dogs and cats.  We had a dog and a cat when I was growing up but I never had an emotional bond with either.  I had typed out a whole list of things that drive me crazy about dogs, cats, and pet owners but it's better that I deleted it.  I will say, though, a house is never clean if you have small children or pets.  And in my experience it's far worse with pets.
9 - I think New Girl is hilarious.  There's too much sex, of course, but I feel like the jokes were written exactly for my sense of humor. I actually laugh out loud while watching it, which I cannot say for most shows and movies I watch.
10 - I have two brothers and I'm very glad I have them.  But I also wish I had a sister. 
11 - My son Bennet is adorable.  Sometimes it's hard for me to discipline him because of how stinkin' cute he is.

Cynthia's Questions:

1. Mini-van or other?   Mini-van.  It was a hard pill to swallow but now I love it.
2. Favorite clothing item?   Right now it's maternity dresses / skirts.  I've given up on pants at this point in the pregnancy.
3. Best friend in the whole wide world? Why? Travis is my best friend, but when it comes to girlfriends I would probably say Sr. Miriam Caritas is tied with Katie B.  This is a hard question to answer, though.  Friendship as an adult is so different than when I was a child or teen.
4. Favorite movie? For a long time it was a tie between Sense & Sensibility and Braveheart.  Now I'd probably say 3:10 to Yuma.
5. Your favorite trait about yourself? I take excellent naps.
6. Best concert you've ever been to? NKOTBSB.
7. Most difficult decision you've ever had to make? too personal to share here.
8. What did you want to be when you were little? President of the USA.  This is because all my teachers  would talk about how we could be anything when we grew up - even the first female president of the United States.  Now there's no way I would want that job.  God bless the men and women who run our country.
9. Favorite quote? "In the tender compassion of our God, the dawn from on high shall break upon us, to shine on those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death, and to guide our feet into the way of peace."  Luke 1:78-79
10. Most expensive item [at the grocery store] that you have ever purchased?? formula, probably
11. Best television series you have ever watched? Lost.  But we'll see how Downton Abbey turns out - it might just tie or beat out Lost.

Okay, so now I'm going to break the last two rules because I am still exhausted.  It honestly took me four days just to answer those questions.  I can't think any more.

7 quick takes

1 - One of my favorite things about winter is the combination of a snowy night and Christmas lights.  It's so dark and cold but then there's these pops of warmth and cheer.  When the lights glow through a good blanket of snow - that's the best.  I know most people are done with winter by this time of the year, and I know a lot of us haven't gotten a lot of snow, so I guess we can just chalk this quick take up to what I missed this past December.  But that's one of the things I so love about this video - the lights on the dark snow.  And, you know, I really like the song too.

2 - Not sure if you read my most recent post for IGNITUM TODAY.  It shared some tips of what we - as Catholic, pro-lifers) can do when we or someone we know miscarries.  The amazing thing about the post was that the day before my editor posted on her personal blog about her miscarriage and shortly after me another IT contributor posted on the loss of a stillborn baby.  It was like the Holy Spirit was pushing on us to deliver a message for Him.  And then I saw this post, "An Overdue Letter to My Children in Heaven" by the Passionate Papist.  It's absolutely beautiful; I was especially touched by what his 14 year old daughter wrote to her sisters.  I really encourage you to read it!

3 - A small group of Midwestern bishops are in Rome so they can catch up and shoot the breeze with the Pope.  My bishop, Daniel Jenky, is one of them.  (Okay, I'm sure they're talking business, too.)  One of things Bishop Jenky and the men who travelled with him will be doing while there is meeting with the postulator for Sheen's beatification cause.  I don't know if I'll be privy to any information they get while there but I'm dying to know where we are!  Will Sheen be named "Venerable" soon?  The Pope could maybe tell them...  Which alleged miracle will they use?  James'?  How much longer will we have to wait?  It makes me wanna scream out, "You're killin' me, Smalls!"

4 - On Twitter there's two trends: #iusebirthcontrol and #iuseNFP.  The amazing thing is that many reasons that people list for using birth control are the reasons I use NFP.  And then some of the reasons tweeted make me think the person shouldn't be having sex in the first place.

5 - This made me laugh. 

6 - You probably don't think things like that because you're further along on the road to sanctification than I am.  But, if this counts for anything, there's only one person who makes me feel this way.  Yeah, I know, I should work on that...

7 - I need to cut out a bunch of moustaches to put on sucker sticks for Valentines.  We'll see if it happens.  People might just be getting some regular-old suckers.

Happy Weekend to you all!

7 quick takes

1 - This song is a tribute to what I had wanted to happen.

2 - I am on Pinterest.  Are you?  It's true what everyone says about - a great way to have hours of your life sucked away from you.  But it did teach me about the sock bun.

I look cute with a sock bun.  Not gonna lie.

3 - It's also how I learned how to do a simple Gibson Tuck.

I was hoping I'd look really cute with my hair like this.  But I got 0 compliments and my husband told me I looked like an AC.  (That's Apostolic Christian.  I was told once, by an AC, that there are more AC churches in Central Illinois than in the rest of the world combined.  So you may not know what an AC is.  Think strict Baptist meets strict Mennonite.  They're good people.  The women wear skirts, and always have their hair up with a little croqueted covering.)  It's not an insult to be told I look AC, but I would have preferred "pretty", "classy", or even "nice".

4 - Of course I was not trying to look like an AC.  I was a little more inspired by this:

It is true.  The void in my life created once I finished Lost has now been filled by Downton Abbey.  Simply put: I am in love.

5 - Here's a little post I wrote over at the Behold blog.  It's all about how I got involved with Behold in the first place.  Check it out!

6 - There is a youtube video all over the place called "I hate religion, but love Jesus".  It's really well done and you may have seen it.  If you have, I encourage you to read this commentary, written by Marc Barnes. 

7 - We still have our Christmas lights on the front porch and I still turn them on.  Especially now that there's snow I like having them glowing in the night.

Winter is so dark and I love coming home to a dark street with our cheery lights welcoming me.  But I do promise to you all that they won't stay up all year long.

inappropriate comments at the grocery store.

Monday my big, pregnant belly, my three kids, and I were grocery shopping in the late morning.  A couple, probably in their 60's walked by and smiled at us. 

The man said, "What do you do in your spare time?!" implying that I would have no spare time. 

I responded, "Look at all these kids, what do you think I do in my spare time?!" implying the kids are the fruit of my spare time. 

He didn't laugh, nor did he look at me again when we met up in other aisles. 

It was awkward.

When I told Travis that night he laughed really hard and told me he was embarrassed for me. 

Christmas Review #3 - the 7 quick takes edition

-1-

What a beautiful song "In the Bleak Midwinter" is.  There's three verses that are usually not sung - maybe because they're a little too religiousy? - but nonetheless the last verse is still my favorite.  It's so easy for me to think about all the ways I'm not measuring up.  Sometimes it smacks more than just a little bit if I think about all the ways that what I'm giving isn't good enough.  But I'm giving God my heart and my life and I'm not trying to be someone else and see, that's all He wants anyways.  My life, my talents, my trials, my joys, my heart - that's much more valuable to Jesus than a sacrificial lamb or a box filled with gold.  Whew.

-2-

Of course I picked a Christmas carol because we are still in the octave of Christmas (eight days beginning with the 25th that are all celebrated by the Church with as much gusto as Christmas itself), which is within the 12 days of Christmas (the 26th - Jan 6th, aka Epiphany or the day the Magi brought the gifts). 

Today is five golden rings.

-3-

I've never cared for the song "The 12 Days of Christmas." 

-4-

All I wanted was a cute picture of my Christmas-best-wearin' kiddos in front of the tree.  This was maybe as good as it got.

-5-

Hey, here's some really good news:  I'm 20 weeks pregnant and I've only gained 4lbs.  That's pretty daw-gone good for me.  My total weight gain goal is 15-20lbs for the pregnancy and I'm thinking that if I can get through Christmas and only gain one pound and be pregnant, well I have a very good chance of meeting that goal.

-6-

Other really good news: 

Today I mark 5 years of being married to the best man evah!

My husband is awesome and I love him so much.  Yay us!

Also, December, after Christmas, is the best time to have a Catholic wedding.  The Church is decorated beautifully and so you save all kinds of money.  We plugged in the lights on the trees that were up, called it good, and received one compliment after another. 

-7-

Special prayer request:

My friend Alicia is asking for prayers for a friend and the friend's babies. 

Triplets Ryan, Norah, and Lucas were born at 24 weeks and are now in the NICU.  Please pray for their health, their mom who is recovering, and all the people who love them and are very worried.

Thank you for praying!

Review of Christmas #1 - What I baked

Perfect chocolate crinkles, they were my impossibly hard to shop for dad's Christmas present.

Homemade dinner rolls.

So grateful to Lisa for sharing the recipe with me.  And YAY for breadmachines!

My first ever homemade cheesecake. 

Me saying a prayer before it goes in the oven. 

Well, okay, it was a staged picture but I did say a prayer.

Four hours later - perfect.

It was creamy.  It was yummy.  It was one of my life goals met.

Thanks to Jen for sharing this recipe with me.

And here's a picture of my really cute kids playing together.  It has nothing to do with baking but everyone needs a good dose of cute in their lives.