I want to be bold

One day I was scrubbing in at the NICU and James' doctor spotted me and approached.  She reported that James was not doing well and when I asked why she said it was because of the brain trauma.  It was not the news I wanted to hear.  She left and I went back to my washing, trying not to break down in the very public NICU entrance.

I was not doing a very good job.  My eyes were filled with tears, my chin was quivering, I was biting my lip, and I was choking back sobs.

And then a woman approached me.  A concierge at the hospital, she must have watched the exchange from across the room.  She came with a box of tissues and a sincere look of compassion and concern on her face.  She put her arm around my back, placing her free hand on my shoulder and she asked if I was okay.  Did I just get some bad news?  Was there anything she could do?  She expressed her sympathy and told me she would pray for me and my son.  She took my hand and squeezed it and we parted ways - she went back to her desk and I went to James' bedside.

It was a warm, tender moment and I still carry it in my heart.  I know the woman is a Christian and I believe she was loving me as she would Christ.  If I was Jesus to her, she was Veronica to me.

More recently I was checking out at the grocery store.  James was crying which was making Bennet fuss and Lydia worry.  I was feeling completely frazzled when a woman approached me.  "May I hold your son and comfort him?" she asked, seeing I was busy with paying and keeping my eye on my other two children.  With my permission she scooped him up and soothed him. 

"I will walk you to your car," she told me. She told me she had raised 5 children, all closely spaced, and so she knew how hard it could be at times.  She held James and then buckled him in as I got L and B in their car seats and loaded my groceries.  She told me how blessed I was and then went back to the store to do her shopping.  There was no judgement about my inability to keep my cool while my kids fussed, let alone keep them happy in the first place.  She didn't judge how closely they were spaced or ask if we were done having kids. 

She just served me.  Like Simon the Cyrene, she bore my cross for a moment.

These two women spent no more than five minutes with me but what they did really mattered. I felt alone and scared and overwhelmed by my immediate situation when those women intervened in my life. 

I want to be more like these women.  I want to be bold.  I want to love and serve the people I encounter in ways that are real and meaningful.  I want to take the opportunities that are before me to actually live out my love of Christ.
 
Most of my days I am surrounded by 3 little kids and so I may not be able to do something similar to what these women did.  My hands are pretty full, so I might not be able to carry something for you.  (But I might!)  I actually have an idea of something I'd like to do - to be more intentional about - so that I can keep Christ always before me and reach out to people in need so they don't feel as overwhelmed or alone.

But first I'd love to hear from you!  What are your thoughts?  Do you have examples of people being bold and intentional in the way they have lived out their faith in their every day lives?   How might God be calling you to love and serve Him in the people you encounter? 
 

maybe this is why God let me have children

Some nights I look back over my days with a great deal of shame.  Let's take, for instance, Tuesday.  Most of the day went really well:  play group, folded laundry, dishes done, visited with Mom, talked to some friends on the phone.  And then during nap time both of my kids were sleeping and this was exactly what I wanted.  Some quiet time to myself to check my email without Bennet or Lydia grabbing at the laptop, or my leg, or my arm, or my hair.  To sit without anyone on my person.  Ahhhh..

And then Lydia woke up.  I held her so she'd go back to sleep but then she wouldn't let me put her down.  Every time I tried to lay her back down she'd cry and cry and cling to me.  This drove me over the edge and I yelled at her to go to sleep and leave me alone.

She then gave me that look.  The one where she's afraid and sad and confused, and she just wants her mommy to hold her, but her mommy is the one making her feel that way.  So she just cries a little harder.  Hopefully you don't know what I'm talking about.

It is the worst feeling I have experienced. 

And then I am reminded of what another mom shared once.  She told the story of snapping at her son one day in the car.  Her son began to cry and said, "Don't yell at me, Mommy.  It hurts my feelings."

She then said, "My mother has her defense mechanisms; my husband has learned to protect himself against my words and moods, but my son has nothing.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe this is why God has let me have the one son I have - so I can see how I really treat people."

I have thought about that comment so many times over the months since she first shared it.  I don't freak out at everyone the way I do my kids, but I do loose my patience, jump to conclusions, make snap (usually harsh) judgements, grumble, and become easily frustrated.  Often I find myself wanting to walk away from people who are annoying or frustrating me because I just don't want to take the time to see their side, understand their point, show a little compassion and mercy.  It is very similar to me yelling at my child to "just leave me alone."

In all of these interactions with people I know that it is not only from them that I am withholding charity, but Christ Himself.  The Judgement of the Nations in Matthew 25 is very powerful for me, and I know that many times I am a goat instead of a sheep.  Goats go to Hell - but not this one.  I've still got some filing down to do on my horns, but I fully intend to not spend an eternity away from my God.

"God will give you for eternity what you love the most.  If it's Him, you go to Heaven."  Fr. Larry Richards

I believe that in my vocation of motherhood God is asking me to love Him in a special way through my kids.  So sometimes that just might mean sacrificing my body and personal space to snuggle with a napping girl who craves my presence when I just don't want to.

I'd like to thank my friend, J, for giving me permission to retell her story.

Figuring out what to do

I was recently told to think about what it means to me to be a wife and a mother. I know that it means I am to love and serve my husband and children and to help them get to Heaven. But as I've thought about it more the idea and the reality have become so big I cannot wrap my mind around them.

For me, this has been an exercise in looking at vocations and of doing what you're called to do right now. It seems that a lot of us live life a little too "fly by the seat of our pants" as we follow our guts, emotions, consciences or just the flow. But I think that maybe that can be dangerous. I think "going with the flow" is what leads to engagements that end in called off weddings or marriages that end in divorce (among other things).

I am learning that discernment is something to be greatly respected and not taken lightly. And to rightly discern we need to have a great respect for all vocations and to be able to differentiate between our gut feeling and the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Example: While Travis and I were engaged there were a lot of issues that came to the surface. People thought we were being rash in our short courtship. We both struggled with tying up the loose ends of his previous relationship. There were times when we both wondered if we were supposed to get married or if we were at least supposed to get married so soon. We wondered if we were blinded by our excitement, love and happiness. Undoubtedly, this led to some tough conversations and lots of crying at Adoration. But in the end, we knew we were supposed to follow through with our original plans because in the quiet of our hearts there was a deep peace about our relationship, and that peace was strongest before the Blessed Sacrament.

Other examples come from friends who are in seminary or religious orders. All of them felt some fear at telling someone in their lives that they had discerned a different life than the one they had been living. One very good friend was pressured by her parents and siblings, made to feel like she was selfishly abandoning them. Another broke up with a long term girlfriend, breaking her heart because he knew that he was not being called to be her husband. One friend came very close to leaving the convent and another has discerned that he is not called to the priesthood. Having discerned God's will, both of these friends, despite all the hardships they went through, feel great joy and peace in their lives.

By remembering and reflecting on my own vocational discernment and those I have been privileged to have observed, I have seen that once one has found her vocation she does not stop discerning. I continued to discern God's will for my life throughout my engagement, and I continue to discern it now. How can I best show my love to Travis and Lydia? What is God calling me to do; who else is He calling me to reach out to? My vocation will always be to love and serve my family, but what that looks like will have to change. And those changes are what I will have to figure out through prayer.

At least, I think. :)