crying over chicken nuggets

So.

James has weird things with his mouth and throat and he always has.  Like he's always been on thickened formula, we had to teach him to chew, and he used to throw up almost every day.

Recently his feeding/speech therapist gave him clearance to drink normal liquids and eating has become so much better and the vomiting has stopped since we found out he is severely allergic to a lot of things.

When we were in the NICU there was a day when his feeding therapist sat down with me and told me she didn't think James would ever be able to eat.  She really thought he'd probably have to be fed through a feeding tube for all of his life.  I don't know why but a wheelchair I could handle.  Blindness or deafness I could handle.  I know it shows how naive, ignorant, and stupid I was but I just thought that he'd be able to eat and drink even with all the other issues.

I wanted my little boy to have ice cream cones and Popsicles in the summer, pancakes and bacon on Sunday mornings, Christmas cookies and Halloween candy.  I wanted him to know the crispness of a fall apple and the juiciness of a tomato from our garden.  A cool swig of water, the sip of his first beer, Holy Communion.

I was crushed when she told me that he probably wouldn't be able to eat.

And so today when he ate two chicken nuggets at lunch, asked for two more and ate those, too... well - I cried.  I cried because James was eating the same lunch his brother and sister. He was eating like a normal kid.

I'm sure you will understand when I tell you that today I am so grateful to God for chicken nuggets.

News story on James and Sheen

Hey friends.

WICS News Channel 20, the ABC affiliate in Springfield, IL aired their segment on James and Sheen's story last night.  I am really impressed with the job that was done by reporter Andrew Hansen, himself a practicing Catholic.

If you want to watch the story please follow the link.  It's worth watching just to see how stinkin' cute James is at the end of the clip.  Seriously!  Adorable!  (You can even faintly hear Andrew call him a ham.)

Also, every time I tell the story of what Travis said to me in the Labor & Delivery floor I misquote my husband.  I think he said, "James is alive and everything's going to be fine," but I still have no idea.  It's the same thing, really, in the end...

7 quick takes

1 - Happy Friday!

2 - Yesterday a reporter from the ABC affiliate in Springfield, IL came to the house for an interview.  I was a little nervous since I am never sure how the secular media will represent the Church so I was completely delighted when I opened my door and immediately recognized the reporter.  We have a mutual friend and so I had heard of him, seen his picture, and knew he is a solid Catholic.  God is so good!

3 - I'm excited about the Olympics but I'm also a little confused - the countdown on the official London Olympic website says the opening is in 5 hours (I'm writing this at 9:30 am).  So I guess I'll just be ready at 2 and leave NBC on for the rest of the day!

4 - Easiest baby ever.   Two months, completely adorable.  She fell asleep while playing.

5 - Check out all the school supplies for Diane's Garden!  People are so generous!

6 - Cute pictures of the kiddos:

Lydia with Sr. Marie Noelle, O.P.  It was a great trip and I'll post more about it next week.  I'll tell you about how I scared a couple of nuns and tips for keeping my 4 year old happy during an 8 hour car ride.

Bennet and his trains.

James and his cute, cheesy smile.

My sweet little Teresa.

7 - Travis goes back to work in two weeks!  Two weeks!  I am not ready for him to be gone and it's probably time I start working on a routine so things are easier when he's gone.  Summer always goes so quickly.



7 quick takes

1 - This song is a part of the soundtrack to my childhood.  My mom had the 45 record and we'd listen to it over and over again.  I still love this song.  Do you remember it?

2 - I have a new post up at Ignitum Today called "The Kitchen Is My Mission Field".  Here's a little sample:
It’s true that there are some pretty shallow reasons why I have never gone on a mission trip.  First of all, they usually take place somewhere hot and sunny.  I hate being hot and I hate the sun.  I’m paler than Jim Gaffigan and so there’s no way I’m going to have my skin burn because I sweat off all my sunblock.  Secondly, while I have a basic knowledge of how to use power tools that does not mean I should be building anyone a home.  I can barely assemble a bookshelf from Target let alone a roof.  Lastly, I’m lazy.

Please head on over to Ignitum Today to read the rest!

3 - If you missed my interview on the Drew Mariani show you can listen to it by going to their archives here.  I was interviewed during the 3 o'clock hour on Friday, July 13.  My part starts around 3:30.  It was a lot of fun to do the interview, although as I sat and waited for them to call me I was so nervous I almost began to cry.  Some prayers to the Holy Spirit definitely helped although it still took me the first 10 minutes to work all the "um"s out. 

4 - Speaking of me sharing James' story, I have gotten a few more invites to speak at parishes and other events.  I'm really excited about this opportunity and if you are also interested please feel free to email me.  You can find my email address and some basic information on my presentation under the top right tab.

5 - We have two awesome events coming up.  The first is an annual party that reunites our friends from the St. Francis Newman Center where Travis and I met.  The second is Sr. Marie Noelle's profession of final vows with the Nashville Dominicans.  Sister and I were close friends in college but I haven't seen her since she professed first vows six years ago.  I just had to share the good news because I'm so happy to be able to do these things.  God is so good.

6 - I am not taking James to Nashville and I feel a little worried that the nuns may be disappointed that the "miracle baby" did not come to them.  I do not want to disappoint a nun but the fear of a miserable trip courtesy of my 22 month old son is more powerful.

7 - My heart goes out to the people who were killed or injured at the shooting at the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado.  Many prayers are being offered!

love song link up

Over at Betty Beguiles Hallie is hosting a little love song link up where she invited her readers to post about their favorite love songs.  Taking a slightly different twist on the matter I thought I'd post the songs that make me think of the people in my family.  They're love songs, just not the romantic kind.
Travis:

The first dance at our wedding reception was to Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of What a Wonderful World and that song is special to me.  But I still consider this "our song."

Peter:

A lot of the things Sara lists in this song are things Peter never got the chance to lose.  But even though he lost his life he cannot lose my love.

Lydia:

This song came out right around the time of Lydia's birth.  Every time I heard it I thought of my little girl, this new soul trying to figure things out in the world and I was given the blessing of leading her by the hand.  So lovely.

Bennet:

This song came out around the time of Bennet's birth.  Looking at my great big baby boy as he grew into the charmer he is - it is undeniable that there is a Creator behind the miracle that is life.
James:

There were so many times I sang this song to James while he was in the NICU and I still sing it to him as a lullaby at times.  The lyric, "with ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go" made my heart ache, especially when we were still looking at the possibility of James having a rather short and very disabled life.  Take away all the grief and jubilation and he would still be my sweet baby James.

Teresa:

The chorus of this song was the first thing I sang to my new baby girl when I held her in my arms.  Even the first time I heard it I touched my belly and thought of her.  It's so fantastic how God places just the right people together.

some quick takes on a Monday

1 - So the BIG, super duper exciting news (which you've probably already heard) is that the Sheen Foundation will be submitting James' story as the official alleged miracle for Venerable Sheen's beatification.  So a group of experts (doctors and theologians) will review the alleged miracle.  If they can't find any holes in the case they will send it up to the Congregation for the Causes of Saints.  Once that group of Bishops and Cardinals review it they will (hopefully) approve it and send it up to the Pope.  Pope Benedict will then read about my homebirth, James baptism, the trip to the ER, his coming back to life, and all our prayers.  And then he will maybe approve the alleged miracle as a true miracle.  Talk about surreal!

2 - The picure above is from the Chicago Tribune (It was taken by a wonderful freelance photographer named Ben.  Ben hung out at our house for a few hours the other day and true to his word, the stains in my carpet cannot be seen in the picture.) 

You can read the Tribune's article about Sheen and James here.  You can read the article in the New York Times here.  In our opinion the Tribune's article is better.  They summarize much more acurately what happened to James and they don't make me sound like a single mother.

3 - When I read the Times article for the second time I noticed two things:  They don't mention Travis and they refer to me as Ms. Engstrom.  I HATE being called "Ms."  In my (perhaps small and judgemental little) mind that title is appropriate for divorcees and unmarried feminists.  I am neither, and I want my husband to be recognized even if it is through my title of "Mrs."  Being Mrs. Engstrom doesn't make me feel old - it is a title that shows respect for me and my marriage.  End rant.

4 - Jennifer Fulwiler wrote a good piece on Gotye's song Somebody That I Used to Know over at the Register.  She mentions my post, "The wait was well worth it" - which is awesome.  Simcha and Jen, two giants of the Catholic blogosphere, giving me love at the Register. 

5 - Let's go back to that picture for a moment.  James looks awesome.  I look fat, which I am and I knew that, but it was sad for me to see how bad I really look.  At 6 weeks post partum I weigh 13lbs less than what I weighed when I became pregnant with Teresa and I'm almost half way to reaching my first goal.  That's a really big deal and I need to be proud of myself about that... but it was still pretty demoralizing to see the picture.  Losing weight is hard - made even more so by my love of sugar and my desire to not effect my milk supply.  So... I don't know... cheer me on in the comment box or something.  Thanks.

6 -  And this is funny:

7 quick takes

1 - Originally I was going to put up a video by Weezer.  There's something about warm weather that makes me want to listen to Weezer.  But my duaghter said I needed to play a "girl song" and so heeding the advice of a 4 year old I looked up some Regina Spektor.  She watched the video with me and said, "That lady is making a mess."  True dat.

2 - Last night I decided that I wanted to do a movie night with the kids tonight.  I went to Family Video and got The Road to El Dorado and The Prince of Egypt so the kids could chose.  Then I went to the grocery store and bought snacks to make this edible necklace.  I'm hoping the kids enjoy it all.  I figure we can have some homemade veggie soup for dinner and then pig out a little bit on popcorn and sweets.

3 - Last night Travis and I talked about inviting some friends over to join us in the movie night.  Our kids could make their necklaces together and sit in their pj's, watching a movie and eating while we grown ups sat at the dining room table, playing cards or Scrabble, and having a beer.  We went through all our friends who would maybe want to come over and then I gave a reason why most of them wouldn't want to come and swore off calling any of the other ones.  Because I enjoy hosting things but I'm also an insecure introvert this happens to poor Travis on a fairly frequent basis.  It's a ridulous combination to have in a person.

So unless someone invites themself over we will be watching our movie alone.

4 - So yesterday had some sad news.  I really like Ann Curry.  I read this press release from my Bishop, Daniel R. Jenky, and I wanted to share it here as I think it is a little more positive than some people (myself included) first felt.  You can see the press release here.

Bishop Daniel R. Jenky, CSC, Bishop of the Diocese of Peoria, believes that today's Supreme Court ruling will have no impact upon the Catholic Church's legal case regarding being forced to fund abortions, sterilizations, and contraceptives in our religious institutions. The church's pending lawsuits are based upon our First Amendment right to freely practice our religion and to define for ourselves what constitutes a Catholic ministry. Today's Supreme Court ruling addressed other legal issues that are not the direct concern of the Church.

The Catholic Diocese of Peoria is now considering joining other Dioceses and Catholic entities suing the Federal Government. Bishop Jenky calls upon the Catholic faithful to participate in "Fortnight of Freedom" observances and to continue to pray for religious liberty in America. Under no circumstances will the Catholic Church ever abandon its absolute commitment to the Gospel of Life.

5 - In case you didn't hear the super great news let me introduce to you the VENERABLE Fulton J. Sheen!

6 - Big prayer request: A friend of mine's mom is battling cancer.  The cancer is pretty aggressive and there have been some issues with the insurance company wanting to deny treatment.  Please pray for my friend, her mom and doctors, their entire family, and all the insurance issues.  Our Father...

7 - One more prayer request: The feeding therapist and I will be scheduling another swallow study for James.  Our little boy is eating normally now, except for all the things he can't eat because of allergies, but he still isn't drinking normally.  We were given the go-ahead from his feeding therapist to give him little sips of water so he is accustomed to drinking that way in time for the study.  I don't want to expose him to radiation and not even have drink from a cup.  Hopefully we can get rid of the thickened formula and the bottles forever!

Sheen delcared Venerable!

Big News, friends!

Pope Benedict XVI and the Congregation for the Causes of Saints have declared Archbishop Sheen Venerable!  This means that Sheen can now be beatified once an alleged miracle is reviewed and declared a true miracle.  There is a good chance that James' (alleged) healing will be the miracle used!  Of course we'll have to wait to see what the Sheen Foundation does but we're really hopeful over here. 

This is so exciting!  Praise God!  Archbishop Sheen would be a wonderful saint as his works and life have already brought so many to know and love God. 

Right now all I want to say is  YAY!  YAY!  YAY!

And if you don't know what I'm talking about please see the Sheen tab at the top of my page.

7 quick takes

1 - This infectious song just got so much better.  The guy on the right, rockin' out on the xylophone on wheels and the one on the left with the kazoo are my faves.  That is, they're my favorites not counting Jimmy Fallon.  I love watching Fallon enjoying himself, it makes me happy seeing him so happy.  I hope this song and video make you smile the way it did for Travis and me. 

2 - Remember when our house looked like this?

 It looks like this now:

With some lovely landscaping that looks like this:

Okay, well you can't see the landscaping so well but believe me, it looks wonderful.

3 - When I was pregnant with Teresa I had no energy what-so-ever.  Getting myself and three kids dressed and out of the house before 9am was a ginormous feat.  And so now, three weeks post partum, I am thrilled to have the energy to actually do things. 

Wednesday's weather was beautiful and while Teresa napped the rest of the family was outside.  Lydia and I planted some flowers and it was a wonderful remedy for how I'd been feeling.

4 - Yesterday Travis did some stuff around the house that needed to be crossed off our to do list.  The first "To Do" was to hang the light fixture over our kitchen sink.

The second thing was to install a spicket on the outside of our house.  He'll hook up the plumbing once the mortar is all set and we'll finally have a hose outside!  This means good things for water fun this long, hot summer.

5 - Last week I said I was getting some short bangs.  My hair dresser / sister-in-law was hesitant and it took me a few days to figure out how to best style them but I think they turned out pretty well. I was hoping for something kinda hip but I may have only gotten nerdy but I still like them.  Oh well.

6 - Now that fair season is upon us I feel like summer is really here.  Our family went to a Turkey Festival in a local town.  Travis and I kept to our diets and didn't eat anything (it was horrible!).  I thought I was being a good mom and bought 6 tickets thinking my two eldest would get to each ride 3 rides.  What an idiot I was!  One ride each for $3 a pop.  Lydia chose the carousel and Bennet the train.  James and Teresa hung out in the stroller and then we left.

7 - Teresa Marie will be baptised this Sunday at our 9am Mass with a celebratory brunch to follow.  I've got some breakfast casseroles to make, fruit salad to prep, and a DQ ice cream cake to buy. 

Have a great weekend, everyone!  Click on over to Conversion Diary for more Quick Takes!

7 quick takes

1 - Teresa Marie's birth story is now up.  You can check it out below this post, or click here.  Though by clicking you will no longer be able to hear this funky, groovy, perfect song.  Thank you, Mr. Stevie Wonder, for writing this piece of music.

2 - Cluster feeding is happening.  Milk is coming in.  I am sore.  She won't nap.  Which means I can't nap. 

3 - I listened to Johnny Cash while laboring with Teresa.  I did that with Bennet's birth, too, and it's so helpful.  Highly recommend it.

4 - How 'bout some pictures?

5 - Bennet LOVES Baby Resa, as he calls her.  LOVES her.  As soon as he saw her he asked to hold her, and when he did he immediately put his cheek to hers, kissed her, patted her head, commented on how soft her hair was, and then - waving his hand around her - he asked, "Where baby come from?"

6 - Lydia is very interested in how I feed Teresa.  When we first came home from the hospital she asked if she could feed Teresa some babyfood.  I explained she would have to eat milk from my breast.   Lydia asked, "How will she do that?  With hoses?"

7 - James doesn't know what to think of our newborn but he's pretty ticked that I can't pick him up right now nor hold him while she's nursing.  Poor little boy.

Alright, friends.  Thanks for all the well wishes, love, congrats, prayers, and general nice things you've said.  We appreciate it!  And now it's time to nurse!  Have a fun weekend, and check out conversiondiary.com for more quick takes!

7 quick takes

1 - So I've been listening to this song on repeat for about 3 weeks.  I hate the video, though.  The song definitely tells a story that happened in the 80's but everything is current except for the mix tape.  Seriously, do people younger than 25 even know what mix tapes are?  I don't think so.  So don't watch the dumb video, just listen to the song and appreciate all its references to songs we can all hopefully agree are great.

2 - I own this album, as in record. There's something about a record... but I can't listen to them anymore because my kids would break or scratch them, I am sure of it. I'm on Fire is probably my favorite song, closely followed by Working on the Highway. I think I have a strong association between my childhood and Bruce Springsteen and John Mellencamp songs. They always make me think of playing in my neighborhood, eating popsicles, and riding in the backseat of my parents grey Oldsmobile. It makes me happy.

3 - On Pinterest I saw the suggestion to take a picture of your daughter in your wedding dress so it can be displayed at her wedding. Of course the picture on Pinterest showed a little girl with styled hair and good lighting, probably sitting in a portrait studio. This is Lydia at the end of the day, sitting on my bed. But it doesn't really matter. She looked beautiful in the dress and I was delighted when she told me she would wear it on her own wedding day. (I seriously love that dress so much that until I could no longer fit in it I would wear it around the house, talking on the phone, watching tv, whatever. Love it.)

4 - Now it's time for some cute pictures of my kids. These are a little late being posted but it's still the Season of Easter so I'm not gonna fret.

 

5 - Over at IGNITUM TODAY we're doing a symposium on Mercy and Killing, which grew out of an email exchange about mercy killing.  You can check out my post, Black and White for the Shades of Grey.  It took me a long time to gather my thoughts and write the essay.  I feel like the tone changes and it doesn't flow, but I still hope you read it.  It's intimidating stating that mercy killing parents aren't monsters when the internet is full of people ready and willing to rip my head off for saying such a thing. 

6 - It's probably really lame that I can't remember is in the US we're supposed to spell it "gray" or "grey" though it's even more lame that I didn't look it up I just decided to go with the 'e' and keep it at that.  If "grey" is the British spelling let's all just blame my concentration in British literature and call it good.

7 - Tonight my mom is keeping all three kids overnight.  In anticipation I have blown off the whole day and done nothing but feed and dress the kids at eat cookie dough.  I hope you're gonna do something fun tonight!

7 quick takes

1 - The first line is the best first line of any song ever.  You do know this song, right?  I was one year old when this song came out and I know it - surely you do, too!  It's one of my favorite Bruce Springsteen songs.  I love the story it tells and the characters that are developed in it.  It's amazing.  Favorite line in the song:  Well our luck may have died and our love may be cold but with you forever I'll stay. 

2 - Here's some updates on James:

* He can say "Hi" "up" and "yeah" although he usually only says "hi" or grunts.  He can sign "more" "please" "where" "all done" "cracker" "book" and he waves hello and good-bye and will shake your hand if you say "Pleased to meet you."  Since he's 18 months he's definitely delayed in his communication but only by a few months, and he's quickly catching up!

* He was evaluated at Easter Seals as a follow-up, info gathering sorta thing for cooling babies. The physical therapist put his gross motor skills at 15 months (dumb bowed legs are partially to blame) and his fine motor at 16.5 (although his grasping skills were those of a 20 mo). His cognitive/learning skills placed him at 16 months. So, like I've said before, he's normal. :)

* He throws up almost every single day and while sometimes we know why (he gagged or lots of mucus-snot in his belly) a lot of the time we don't know why. He went to an allergist who thinks that James may have eosinophilic esophogitis which means he throat is becoming inflamed due to allergies.  It's looking like the little guy will be seeing a specialist, having an endoscopy and biopsy, and hopefully we will figure all this out.

3 - Thanks to everyone who partook in the "No sex for months" conversation!  I wrote a little follow-up post, "So we're all in this together".  I'll probably be coming back to this a lot in the next months - my apologies now. 

4 - Speaking of sex: for months I've wanted to write a post about being a virgin when I got married and how great that was.   I want to write it not to make anyone feel bad but in hopes that it may encourage someone.  I have the post in my head, I just need to get to a place where I can type it out.

Look at how handsome my husband is!

5 - Last night I had dreams about zombies taking over the earth.  My zombies are always like the zombie/vampire things in I Am Legend.  (Why did I ever agree to watch that movie?  I hate scary movies!)  Of course every dream about zombies trying to break into your home is far, far worse when the only thing between them and my kids are me, hiding the kids as we crouch in a corner, and Travis with a shotgun. 

Travis dreamed that the strawberries in our garden had started to grow.

6 - So on Twitter, Facebook, and this blog I pleaded with JJ Heller to please sing her song My Savior's Love Endures when she is in Eureka next Friday for a concert.  The song means a lot to me as I sang it over James when he was in the NICU. 

So it went down like this: 

 That's right - she said YES!  I'm so excited!  And I'll probably cry - fair warning to any central Illinoisans who may also be attending the upcoming JJ Heller / Audrey Assad show.

7 - On that note I'm going to shower, eat old donuts for breakfast and get dinner in the crockpot.  You know we're having meat today - Easter Friday and all!



Disbelief in James

Today I made my visit to my midwife's office.  She is a wonderful woman and I am seeing her because, while she only does deliveries in hospitals, she was trained in part by my homebirth midwife.  She understands natural labor and the beauty and good of home birth, as does the doctor she is in practice with.  Today my midwife is gone and so I saw the doctor - an ordinary ob-gyn except that his c-section rate is fantastically low, he's the best in the area at "turning" breech babies, and he also supports homebirth.

He asked if there were any complications with any of my other pregnancies.  I tell him I miscarried my first and that my second was a stillborn because of a knot in his cord.  And before it gets all sad in the room I quickly say, "But he's okay now."

"Oh," Dr. replied, "Well if he's okay then I wouldn't call him a stillborn.  Stillborns are dead."

"He didn't have a pulse for 61 minutes."

"A pulse you could discern."

"That's true.  He was 'P.E.A. on the monitor' when he got to St. Francis."  (Pulseless electrical activity means his heart muscle was still sending some sporadic impulses.  A sono of the heart in the ER also showed the heart "flutter.")

Or as I like to think of it, James' APGAR score was 0 at 1, 10, and 20 minutes - and at 60 minutes! - and he was "mostly dead."  Perhaps because of the chest compressions and mouth to mouth there was enough of something to make him twitch.  And so we called on Sheen and Almighty God instead of Miracle Max.


After I gave the Doctor the last bit of information he was quiet for a moment and then asked, "Where did you deliver?"

"At home, with Bernice."  Bernice's consulting physician - or whatever it's called for insurance and certification purposes in the state of Illinois - is this same doctor.

"I remember your son!  Bernice called me about him and I visited him in the NICU.  I remember looking at him and saying to myself, 'This boy is a miracle.'  How is he now?"

"He's fine.  He sees a feeding therapist for some swallowing issues but socially, physically, developmentally he's fine.  He's a year and a half and he's fine."

**************************************************

It's a beautiful thing to share James' story, especially with people in the medical field.  They ask the best questions, doubt the most, and their responses of silence or disbelief or awe reaffirm what I feel in my heart - that James' healing and life are miraculous.  (I'll say alleged miracle for the sake of Sheen's cause.)

I was able to share James' story this past Saturday to a group of 60 people at an area parish's event.  It was a joyful privilege to tell the details for God's goodness and majesty.  I hope I have the opportunity to tell it many more times.  For people who will listen James' story is a remarkable tale and for me to tell it is quite healing.

But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.  Mt 13:16-17

7 quick takes

1 - Thank you, Pandora Radio, for the above song.  About a minute into it sounds like something off the Graceland album.  And that is such a good album.  mmm-mmmm.  (That was a Lady Blacksmith Mambazo impression from "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" in case you missed it.)

2 - I have been very emotional lately.  Pregnancy hormones are to blame, of course.  So are memories of the NICU.  I was asked to be part of a panel suggesting improvements for the cooling therapy and communication with / integration of families.  Making my Top Ten list had me sobbing, so clearly there are still some things I haven't dealt with yet.  I think, though, that doing this panel will make me feel better as I work through different situations.  Hoping.

3 - I baked an apple pie yesterday because I just wanted an apple pie.  It was a good decision.  So what if dinner was late?  Nothing is better than warm apple pie on a hopeless day.

4 - In exciting news Betty Duffy is coming to the Behold Conference.  Betty Duffy!  Love her!  So see, there's one more reason why you should make the drive and come!  Come!  You can register right now if you want.  I'll wait for you to come back so we can finish these quick takes.


5 - For a long time James was afraid of stairs.  He managed to get stuck on the bottom on a few times (while I was upstairs showering) and then he just avoided them for a long time.  However, I've been working with him on doing stairs since the baby will be here soon and we need to get this done!  So I'm very happy to say that yesterday he just took off and walk-crawled all the way up the stairs to the second story.  He did it perfectly and we were all proud - most especially him.  The baby gate has come back out.

6 - Today I'm buying tickets for the local JJ Heller - Audrey Assad show.  So excited!

7 - Travis is going out of town tomorrow to do some work on a friends cabin.  We need money, badly, so the arrangement will have to work of pregnant me + 2 -3 kids who do not sleep through the night, all alone.  You can pray for me.  You can also hire Travis to do handyman jobs or renovations at your house, especially if you live 40 mins or less away.  We can all win.

7 quick takes

1 - I like David Crowder's voice.  A little raspy.  And then I like even more that it comes out of this thin little man with ridiculous hair.  There's been some buzz about DCB's newest album, mostly because the Protestant band's latest album is called Give Us Rest (A Requiem Mass in C - The Happiest of All Keys).  I don't know why people are so upset about them calling C the happiest of keys... 
 
Oh, or maybe because people are afraid he's going the way Rich Mullens and Audrey Assad went - to Rome.  Shoot.

2 - Do you listen to Relevant Radio?  Usually I don't - especially in the mornings.  But when I get a tip on a good show I like to dig around in the archives.  Today's Morning Air is one show I dug around for.  The second hour features Msgr Deptula from my Diocese talking about Archbishop Sheen.  The third hour features Kate Wicker talking about glorifying God with our bodies.  She also mentions the Behold Conference several times which is cool.  You can find the links here.

3 - Speaking again of the Behold Conference - let me just say it's amazing all the things that are coming together so wonderfully.  God's Hand is definitely guiding all of us through this process and it's such a blessing to be a part of it.  I sincerely hope you can join us.

4 - This picture is a little old but I wanted to share it with you.  Usually St. Nick only comes to our house on his feast day but this year, well, you can read for yourself:

In case you're wondering, St. Nicholas brought Lydia this letter, some dress-up shoes, and some more gold coin chocolates. 

5 - In a related "parenting success" story, James was wearing some pajamas that were a little too long.  As he walked around the living room Lydia, who is 3 and 1/2, started singing, "Pants on the Ground."  I asked; she learned the song from me.  So proud.  *tear*

6 - Last night I slept for ten hours, having gone to bed at 8:30pm.  By 9:30am I was so tired I had to lay down.  I napped this afternoon.  And I'm still super tired.  I also have a cough.  Ugh.

7 - Lastly, I want to warmly welcome to the world Lucy Anne, who was born to our friends Michael and Susan on Wednesday and Elijah Nathan, born to our friends Margaret and Nathan.  I am so happy for our wonderful friends who have all just entered the lovely, crazy, beautiful world of parenthood!  Please join me in thanking God for Lucy and Elijah.

Christmas Review #2 - cute things that happened

Bennet walked around using Hershey Kiss filled candy canes as walking canes.

Lydia was given some toenail polish and decided to go right ahead and give herself a pedicure.

James had more fun carrying his gifts around than opening and playing with them.

Lydia and Bennet sang "Happy Birthday" to Jesus. 

Bennet got in a box that was filled with wrapping paper and read himself a book.

7 quick takes - the picture edition

My favorite version of this song!

-1-

This is what my kids look like when they see a train pass by our house.

Yes, I let her go out in public with her crown.

And we live on the Right side of the tracks!

-2-

Remember when we were interviewed for that documentary?

The director (with the grey scarf), camera man (obviously with the camera), and the sound guy came to the house and shot some photage of the kids playing. 

I baked them chocolate chip cookies which meant they hung out even longer.  So good tip - if a film crew is coming to your house have warm cookies waiting for them so you can chat them up.

They were wonderful, fascinating men and I hope I get to see them again.

-3-

Princess Lydia on the phone.

-4-

My slippers were falling apart.  Then a kid puked on them  and there was no saving them - into the garbage they went.  I've been wearing Trav's Homer slippers, hoping that I'll get a new pair for Christams.  These slippers are obnoxiously big and thin on the botton. 

And I don't like having those four huge eyeballs looking up at me all the time.

-5-

Bennet, whom we sometimes refer to as a raccoon, was quietly dumping things down the register vents when I wasn't around.

When Trav went to the basement to clean out the vents he found

- 4 small puzzles - 2 sippy cups -8 beads -1 pair of panties -2 socks -1 toy baby bottle -1 watch -1 small watering can -1 teething ring -1 small plastic cup

-6-

We don't have a fireplace and I've run out of room on the bookshelf for the stockings.  This year St. Nick filled our stockings that hung on the staircase. 

Where do you hang your stockings if you don't have a fireplace?

-7-

Bennet is so cute!

-8-

So is James!

my thoughts on the alleged miracle

Fifteen months ago my son was delivered a stillborn.  It was the middle of the night and there were only a small group of people with me.  Three of us present asked Fulton J. Sheen to pray with us and ask God for a miracle.  Our wording was not quite so specific, but the Holy Spirit understands the groanings of the soul. 

It wasn't until the emergency room staff was prepared to call time of death - 61 minutes after he had been born - that my son's heart began to beat.  Medical staff did not think he would live because no one comes back to life after being dead for an hour and stays alive for long.  No one thought he would live.  And then he did.  So the experts thought he would be severely disabled, and let me tell you exactly what that meant.

Diapers for the rest of his life.
Blindness.
A feeding tube because he would aspirate on any and all foods and liquids.
Unable to walk.
Unable to stand.
Unable to hold his head up.
Unable to open his hands and grasp items.
Unable to stretch out his arms.
Seizures.
Inability to speak or communicate in any way.

It's such a cold list, and one that is incomplete I'm sure.  But now let me tell you what that list meant for us.

A different family dynamic than we had ever imagined.
My son not being able to see me smile or look with love and pride at him.
James not being able to eat his first birthday cake, Halloween candy, a perfect fall apple, my homemade pizza; or to have a refreshing drink of water, his first sip of beer, champagne at his wedding.  No Holy Communion.
No dancing, hopping, jumping, running with his family and friends. 
Probably no friends.
No getting down on one knee to propose to a girl or laying prostrate on a cathedral floor.
Not being able to turn to look at a sunset, a Christmas tree, a crucifix.
My son not being able to hold my hand.
My son not being able to wrap his arms around me and give me a hug.
Medications and doctor visits and therapists and stares and whispers and emergency room visits for the rest of his life.
Never getting to hear my son call me "Mommy" or tell me he loves me. 

That list meant that I had to mourn a lifetime of moments that I assumed I'd get:  first steps, first day of school, first communion, science projects, playdates with his friends, high school dances, graduation - the rest of his life as I had pictured it.  My son was still alive but I was mourning the loss of the son I thought I was getting.  The pain from all that was so great that I still cry about it.

So what to do when that list was taken away?  The doctors cannot give good reason as to why he is alive and well.  One of his NICU doctors has said, "The CPR must have been very, very good."  But it wasn't.  The oxygen bag wouldn't seal around his mouth and nose though different people tried various times.  Attempts at intibation (putting an oxygen tube into the lungs) failed at least 3 times.  The boy wasn't getting oxygen.  No oxygen = no life.  It's that simple. 

Some have jokingly called James Fulton "The Boy Who Lived."  I like that joke.  What I don't appreciate are all the comments of hatred, ignorance, bigotry, stupidity, and/or arrogance that come in comment boxes related to James' story.  How can people be so mean about a little boy who was dead and came back to life?

I know that James' story has brought joy to many, many people.  I know James' story has affirmed the existence of God for some doubters.  I know James' alleged miracle has brought hope and a renewed faith to many people. 

I also know that for many his story is too hard to hear.  Every day I hear of people begging for a miracle - a healing, a restoration, an answered prayer.  Their grief - their lists - are just as cold and heavy as mine was.  For some of these people James' story hardens their hearts and makes them angry at God and resentful towards us.  I can understand and appreciate their feelings. 

I think it's important that people know that this didn't happen to us because we prayed the right way, or had the perfect number of people praying.  It didn't happen to us because our family is perfect.  Neither is our marriage perfect.  Neither are we perfect.  I am high strung, quick to judge, and I can really cuss when I'm mad.  I didn't deserve to be the mother of a "miracle baby". 

Life is easier lived when viewed through the lens of "this is what I was given" instead of "this is what I deserve".  During those 61 minutes, and then the first days, and then the 7 weeks of the NICU stay my life was harder when I cried out "Why?" and much more peaceful when I focused on God's will.  Had I been living God's will to the best of my abilities in the time before the stillborn birth?  Yes.  Was I trying to live God's will to the best of my abilities in the time after the stillborn birth?  Yes.  That was all I needed to know.  "His will is our peace."

Travis and I truly believe that Fulton Sheen was praying with us during those 61 minutes.  We truly believe that saints are more alive than we on earth are and that their prayers are powerful because they are truly before the Lord.  We believe that Fulton Sheen's intercession was integral to what happened next.  We believe that God wanted James and Sheen to be connected in this way and, if it be God's will, we hope that this alleged miracle will be declared an official miracle and Sheen will be beatified because of it.  We believe all of this is for God's greater glory and it is an honor and privilege to be a part of it.

All of this has come out because of recent media coverage, such as the Peoria Journal Star and because of the closing of the tribunal that investigated whether or not James was miraculously healed.  There is still a long process ahead - translating the documents into Italian, having European medical experts look over the case, having theologians look at the case, etc.  If it is declared a miracle I'm sure more ugliness will be spouted.  Travis and I want to promote Sheen's name and good works, God's saving power, and the amazing story of our son.  But today I just had to vent a little bit.

what to do on a Monday night

Travis is on a bromance man date with his best friend, at a bar watching the Bears game. 

The kids are asleep (finally!  nap time was horrible today!) and my headache has finally gone away (maybe it was all the water I drank?).

So now I can finally post a picture of my kids on Halloween.

A knight, a princess, and a lion.  roar!

Wow those kids are cute!  How 'bout we look at some more pictures of them?

I caught Lydia "reading" the Bible.  She was actually saying the words to the Guardian Angel prayer.  (Do you know that prayer? So good:  Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God's love commits me here.  Ever this day be at my side to light, to rule, to guard, to guide.  It's a great prayer to start the day, at bedtime, when you've got the heebie jeebies, or when you're about to blow your top.)

Also, Lydia's been practically living in her Rapunzel dress since mid October.  She's so cute.

James, greeting me at the door.  Did you know he's walking now?  He's walking now.

Bennet, super happy about his gigantic, warm from the oven, made from scratch chocolate chip cookie.

Do you remember awhile ago when I was on a serious hunt for the. best. chocolate. chip. cookie. recipe. EVAH!?  I found it.  That's what one looks like.

It is possible that Bennet may not be wearing pants or a diaper in this picture.

This was gearing-up-for-quiet-time time.  (Yes, I know it's lame that I do that but sometimes it's needed.)  Put on a PBS Kids show from Netflix to occupy L and B while I lay James down and then send the other two upstairs. 

Notice how spread out Lydia is?  I had just painted her toenails and fingernails and she's letting them dry. 

Need something a little different to read?  My dear, dear friend, Crafty Katie, has started a blog to chronicle her year on sabatical.  She turned down a teaching position and is living off savings and a small income from working as DRE at her church.  Already her blog is great.  God check it out: 

Look to Him and Be Radiant

Lastly, if you don't like country music or you didn't got to MTHS don't click on the following link.  But if you do like country, went to my high school, or want to see my high school crush is up to these days then check out Jake Maurer. 

I had a serious, mad crush on that man some 12 years ago.  Whew!  It's almost embarrassing to think about it now.

The crazy thing is that last night I spent the first half of my sleeping dreaming about Jacob and the Black Smoke Monster (does he have a name?  I never caught it.)  And the second half of the night I was dreaming that I was back in high school, dating Jake.  So it was interesting when I saw the link to his updated website on Facebook today. 

And I know what you're thinking.  But I was not stalking him - I saw it in my newsfeed.

Good night!